This is not a normal blog for me but at this moment it needs to be written. There are no pictures of memories and activity, no smiling eyes and cherubic faces of my wonderful children. No this blog comes from way down deep where pain, confusion and hurt have lived and remnants still linger. Its grown out of times of many tears and fears.
But.....out of all this something beautiful is growing, something wonderful is being created and we can look back, even now, still in the midst of it and see how much we are blessed, how much we have grown, how much we are grateful for and most importantly see how much GOD himself has his hand in our lives.
Not many of you know and some of you do, that Jamie lost his job very suddenly just before Christmas. It came as a huge shock, so much so that the pain inside felt like a tearing of the insides. Many a sickening thoughts of "What are we going to do? How will we survive? etc" Being a single income, homeschooling family its a VERY scary place to be. We felt very broken indeed. Telling the kids that things were going to get tough (no pocket money, no summer holiday and no treats was really hard).
Someone asked me just after in happen, how long do you think you can survive? I remember telling them, thinking about the bank balance "Um I don't know, maybe 6 weeks". Six weeks isn't long especially when Christmas is smack bang in the middle of it. Scary thoughts of not being able to afford insurance, rent, food etc plagued my mind in never-ending waves. Sounds oh so dismal doesn't it!
But....that was nearly five months ago now. Jamie is still looking for work and we are still here, still in our house, none of us are starving and wearing thread bare clothes. The bills are paid. We have come through four birthdays (with presents even) I am blown away but very grateful at Gods continual providence.
Whether or not we think what happen was unfair or not is now irrelevant, it happened. Yes it sucks! And I have to admit I am still harbouring a little bitterness and hurt over what happened. That dawned on me one day when I went to buy chook food from another rural supplies store and the sights, sounds, smells and conversations that the staff were having around me became very overwhelming and as the nice man loaded the chook food into the boot of my car. Tears were streaming down my face. (to the man - I am so sorry) I sobbed all the way to my Mother-in-laws house and then continued to sob on her shoulder. (stupid mascara wasn't waterproof either) Bitterness creeps up on me unexpectedly too. Like the other day at soccer when we saw an ex-staff-member and she chatted to Jamie liked nothing had happened - I felt really yuck and uncomfortable and didn't really want to spend time talking to her. Not very Christian like I know.
I am generally not a bitter or unforgiving person but I have to admit this is taking some working at.
I look at our situation and where we have come from and am absolutely thankful that I have God in my life. To go through something like this without knowing him, his word and his promises would be unfathomable! To have no hope, nothing to put your faith in, nothing to trust in, nothing to hold on to in the middle of dark times. To be enduring wakeful nights worrying about how you are going to pay the bills and put food on the table - with nothing to rely on. Blaming people and being angry all the time. Some people never ever get past that. God has so many promises in his word for me (for all of us) and they are available 24/7
"The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
In times of disaster they will not wither:
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty"
Psalm 37:18-19
God has been our provider in so many different ways. And its not all about getting lump sums of money either although in a few cases it has been. Its the food vouchers, gifts of food, the deer that Jamie and his brother shot. The invites for dinner, the abundance of veges out of our garden, honey out of the hives and even down to the bottles of milk we have been given. The free firewood. But its more than that too! Its the support, the prayers, the encouragement from family, friends and our church! If we didn't have that all those things, times would be so much tougher. It says in his word that "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" - Ecclesiastes 3:1 and its true. You can not have it sweet and safe your whole life, trouble does come. Its in those time that you see who you really are and what you are made of, its in those time that you see who is really on your side, supporting you and cheering you on. I actually find it strange that some friends have not showed any support to us at all and some have not even mentioned it, not even to ask how we are doing or to say "look I am really sorry to hear what you are going through". I am not expecting anyone to fix this for us and provide a job out of thin air but at least some acknowledgement would of been nice. I am picking that its like that for people who have had someone close to them die. Some people don't know what to say so they don't say anything and even go to lengths to avoid them.
I know that God is doing something amazing in our lives. I am often reminded of Job in the bible who lost everything and was covered in boils from head to toe. His friends sat around and said he was to blame in some way. But God allowed this disaster to happen to Job so that it could be seen what Job was made of - character building you could say! I don't believe that any ones character is bettered by having everything rosie all the time. At the end of chapter of Job, God restores everything and then some back to Job, and even though he was essentially rewarded for his trouble he wouldn't of got it all at once. It says that Job was blessed with five more children, we all know that doesn't happen over night!
I know that some people say that God could of prevented this from happening. Yes I suppose he could if it was the best thing for us. God loves us so much that he just wants us to have the best life possible and to be the best people we can be. Who would want second best? We don't.
I have learnt that its not wise to be looking to far into the future, that leads to worry and worrying is a fruitless time waster! It will not fix anything. It easy said than done of course. But we constantly remind ourselves that our trust and hope is in God and God only. We are fully confident that God will provide our needs and even some of our wants and desires.
"My heart is confident in you, O God,
my heart is confident.
No wonder I can sing your praises" Psalm 57:7
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you" 1 Peter 5:7
We know that in times to come there will be hurdles and things that could potentially be worrying will turn up, bills that will come, things that will need to be replaced. But for now I will just focus on today and maybe even tomorrow. Each meal, each bill and each moment. I have a choice to make whether or not this will beat me or I will beat it! Right at the beginning of this trying time Jamie and I declared that we were going to learn everything we could out of this, we were going to grow as people, as a couple and as a family. We are determined not to have to repeat something like this, that this would also make us stronger as a couple and a family unit. Our faith has certainly grown.
Things I have learnt during this time....would be...
- That ones identity and security is not (or should not be) tied up in the position one holds or in the income bracket they might be in.
- That we could have done so much more and given so much more with the income we did have. So many people have needs that far out weigh the needs we have.
- That there are many people that are far worse off than us (cliche I know but its true). We have each other, we have all our children and everyone is healthy and we are safe!
- That belonging to a church, to something that is bigger than yourself is so important. Its somewhere that supports you and loves you and that you can support and serve in too. The saying "its more blessing to give than to receive" rings true here.
I love God, my husband, my family, my friends and my church family. During this time I have felt like these people have carried me during the tough times, that warms my heart and I am ever so thankful.
We are still on this journey and I don't know when there will be a let up...but I know that every time I need God he will be there! Every single time. Yes there will be times and things that I won't like and I will want to throw a tantrum and cry and stomp and that's ok. As long as I don't stay in that state. I hope I don't sound as though I am never scared or have an attack of the worries, I do and often. I stumble. But its a purposeful choice to believe in his words and his promises. That's when I pray and pray hard.
I will leave you with these to verses that God gave me soon after Jamie lost his job....I just love his promises and I will keep hanging on to these for as long as need be, although I am hoping that its not too much longer.
"Come back to the place of safety,
all you prisoners who still have hope!
I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings
for each of your troubles"
- Zechariah 9:12
"Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity
in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours."
- Isaiah 61:7
