On Seeing the Need.....

I thought that I should better get this post in (well try) before tomorrow ....you know just in case I have a baby.  I am not "officially" 40 weeks until Monday (20th) but I actually feel like baby could come at any moment. Almost like I am teetering on the edge......I know not to ignore those feelings but I also know that....well hey it could be days away yet too!  Today has been a long day, a dreary day with half the day been wet and gray. I did have a nice visit with my mother-in-law who came to help pass the day while my husband was away for the entire day!

I thought I would do some reflecting and you all know that I just love to do that ah!  Some reflecting on the things, people and situations that have begun to pop up in my life, things that I have never before really paid any attention to.  Ever since we launched Loving Arms  in June, God has been showing me more and more things and situations that have made my heart sad and more often than not moved me to tears.   I don't really want to see these things but I do.  I have known about 'the poor and the needy' in the past.  I think if we are all honest with ourselves, we all 'know about them' - 'them' being just numbers or statistics, 'them' being those that make the headlines on the daily news, 'them' that documentaries are made of, or 'them' that live in that part of town.  But now I am beginning to see them and to know them and it isn't pretty.  It actually hurts.

Perhaps that's why its easy for people to turn their heads and backs to the need. To judge. To despise. To think "well its their fault - they should get a job, they shouldn't have children, they shouldn't drink, they should help themselves".  (Yes its that bad - read any blog, Facebook page dedicated to raising awareness of the plights of the poor and you will see how vicious people get.) Its easier that way because then they have an excuse, a reason for not doing anything, to keep that world at arms length. All because if one sees the problem then they might feel that they need to do something.  And if so, they may have to ask what can I do and what is it going to cost me?  Those are hard questions to ask oneself...I know I have had to ask them of myself and it takes you to uncomfortable places.

Peoples stories are real, and some of them are heart wrenching and spirit moving. To see how people are living in our country, our wealthy country is so wrong.  No one should have to live like they do but peoples families are missing, friends are shallow, superficial or in just as bad as situation as the person that needs help and communities are too big, too guarded or too arrogant to see and to help.

But stepping out of the rubble...(picture rubble from a war stricken city with dust that hasn't settled yet and a group of dusty, dirty with torn clothes of people stepping out and up out of the dust and into the scene - cos that's the picture I have in my head) is a group/s of people banding together seeing a need and meeting it albeit with often a limited budget and resources but doing the best they can. Take one Mum of Seven  feeding the kids of a community every Friday night at a local community centre - all because she hates seeing them all hungry or a tough bikey type gang headed up by a hulk of a man feeding kids of local schools between 450 -500 sandwiches a day. Why because he has been there, he knows the hunger and he is choosing to do something about it.  What a guy!! There are many many more of these local heroes coming into the light filling needs when and where they can with the help of volunteers.

I think my point is - that we all choose to see what we want to, we all choose to hear what we want to and consequently we all choose what we do with that information.  I would also like to believe that everyone wants to help somehow but don't always know how or where to start because often problems seem so big and too tough to tackle.

For too long I lived in a bubble only seeing what I chose to see and believed what kept me safe from these painful stories that people are living. Its easy to live detached like that.  But even though it is scary and tough and I don't know where this journey of Loving Arms will go, I truly believe I am more blessed and a better person for choosing to step out of my privileged bubble that I have lived for so long. And I thank God for that everyday and every time we can help someone!

Matthew 25:35-40

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,  I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’  Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?  And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ - 

10 Things I have Learnt as a Parent

As a Mama to 6, soon to be 7 beautiful blessings there are somethings well actually a lot of things I have learnt over the past 13 years.  Wow 13 years!  Yes my eldest turned 13 just a few weeks back.

My handsome 13 year old!!

A bitter sweet moment, as we all love to watch our children grow but it definitely makes me sad because time does go so fast.  Too fast.  I know 13 years it not really that long and that their are a huge number of mothers out there who have been mothering a lot longer than I.  Not only that, there are probably a huge number of mothers that are far more evolved in their mothering journey than I too.  BUT  there are lessons that I have learnt over my 13 years that I thought I would share with you, my readers.  Shall I share....

1.   Parent as it feels right to you.  DO NOT parent for anyone else.  For far too long I parented my first one, two, three children for other people.  Probably because I didn't have a lot of confidence in myself and I was too busy trying to raise perfect children to please others and to make myself look good.  Over time I have learnt to trust in myself, trust in my children and go by what my Mama heart feels is right for my children.  I wouldn't go as far to say that there isn't a wrong way to parent because I do believe there is a wrong way.  But if you honestly have your children's best interests at heart then you are doing great!  By all means read the books, listen to the 'experts' and talk to Grandma but YOU make the decisions that are best for YOUR children.  YOU know them best!

2.   Your children will help you rediscover your sense of wonder!  I love watching small children as they discover the world around them. From the leaky hose to the garden full of earthworms, everything is exciting and amazing to them.  If you let them they will teach you how to be amazed by and appreciate the very small to the gigantic world around us.  This of course may mean you get dirtier and wetter and totally out of your comfort zone than ever before but that can only be good for us can't it!?

3.  You will be embarrassed by your children - many many times!  Actually I think they are created with the ability to force us to leave our dignity behind. From poo-ing through their nappy AND their clothes AND our clothes in front of the corporate-friend-with-no-kids-who-thinks-they-have-all-the-answers-that-you-haven't-seen-for-ages to biting giant chunks out of a number of deli cheeses forcing you to buy said deli cheeses and vomiting on the carpet and all over you at the doctors surgery to THEY WILL EMBARRASS YOU!  Get use to it.......and you will!

4.   Children are people too.  Yes I think we all know that but do we act like it - I don't know.  It really should go without saying really but you will be amazed at how many people don't realize that they aren't extending the same respect to their children as they do to every other adults in the their life.  Really in a nutshell we shouldn't really be speaking to and doing to our children that we wouldn't be saying or doing to any other adult. Sadly for some reason that is a really touchy subject for a lot of people to get their head. around and even sadder some people will severely disagree with me.

5.  You will find yourself saying the most ridiculous things ever!! Things like"Please get your feet off the cheese" (actually it was damn cheese if I am honest).  "Please don't chase your brother with that plank of wood."  "Turn the drop saw off, now!!"  "Please stop making snowmen out of your mashed potato." "No you cannot buy eggs and sell them out the gate" "You don't need to stab your sister with a pencil" "Get the drawer out of the bath - it is not a boat"  and "Stop drinking the tomato sauce!"  I could go on and on and on.  I have plenty of them.  I use to think my children were exceptionally unusual but since realised ALL children are the same.

6.   Children's sense of imagination is NEVER-ENDING and will continue to amaze you (and entertain you) but only if you let it.  I love hearing my children play games, build stuff, create worlds, and invent characters but with all this imagining going it may mean one thing for you. You are going to have to listen to them even when you can't be bothered.  You just might have to stop and listen patiently while they explain the ins and outs of their latest lego creation.  Or it may mean you might have to incorporate a pumpkin person into their daily lives.  Or sometimes it may mean that you just have to laugh and move on.  Tonight Sophie told me that she just couldn't eat her "Mr Meat Pattie" friend that she had created on her dinner plate buy squirting on a smiley face onto her meat pattie.  A very clever way of getting out of eating her dinner I thought.

These imaginary friends lasted a good few days before they went back to being....well play doh and pumpkins!

7.  You will be cleaning up messes in places that you never thought could possible .  From smeared poo to vomit, squished play-doh to hair died in tomato sauce. I have had snot-covered sultanas and sparkly pink beads up noses and chewing gum in hair.  Paint and mud covered bodies and sand down pants.  You name it I have cleaned it. But no matter how many messes you clean up there is always another one not too far away.

8.  As mothers (and as fathers) we are all on the same team - well we should be anyway.  We have all embarked on the worlds toughest mission - parenthood.  There should be no labels, no us versus them but TEAM US!!!  Unfortunately right from the get go we are divided and boxed up into our (often self) given labels.  Normal birth vs C-section birth, Hospital birth vs Home birth, Vaccinators vs Non-vaccinators, Breast feeders vs Bottle feeders, Cot-sleepers vs Co-sleepers, Home schoolers vs Mainstream school, again I could go on and on. Coffee groups and friendships have ended over these labels. None of that matters! Well it shouldn't.  I know we believe that what we do is the right way to do it and that is why we do it but don't be so arrogant it's definitely not the only way of doing it.  We all make the decisions based on what we think is right (hopefully)  and that is our right as parents.   I really do go out of my way to encourage ALL mothers (and fathers) on this amazing journey of parent-hood no matter what 'box' they may fit into.  A little bit of positive encouragement can go along way and we all need that from time to time.

9.  You are never alone. NEVER!  Unless of course your children are out for the day.  Don't try and sneak a chocolate biscuit when you think they are outside because they will walk in and catch you.  Making a phone call while the kids are around - near impossible!  I have found myself hiding in my bathroom with my foot jammed up against it so whoever is banging on the door can't get it, all while talking on the phone.  Going to the toilet alone is no longer a right, its a reward!  Little fingers under the door, small eyes as an audience, important questions like "Can I have a biscuit?" or "Can I paint my face?" being fired at you through the door.  I'll even admit I have had sad little people sit on my knee while......ok ok too much information!!  You will learn the art of having a conversation over and above WWIII, a game of chase, a nerf gun war zone and pre-dinner madness.

10.   You will never laugh as hard, cry as much, be as angry, worry as much, lose as much sleep, be as tired. You will never be as proud, as happy, or as fearful. You will never hurt as much, sacrifice as much, and LOVE as much as you do now.  You will know the true meaning of unconditional love like never have before. There is nothing that these little blessings will and can do, that would change how much you love them. You will experience such joy and passion just from the smallest things but they will be the biggest things in the world to you. From little arm squeezes around your neck to sweet butterfly kisses on your cheek. From the playful arm punch to the endearing message from your now teenage son. These are the things that matter, that keep us going in all those tough times.  Those are things are fuel for our hearts.

What things have you learnt along your journey?

Lessons from my 4 year old

I am not sure I like the title that I have given this post.  So bare with me if it doesn't make any sense at all.  Sometimes things happen in your life that show you just how far you have come (or sometimes but hopefully not just how far you have fallen) I like to think you and I have more of the former. This one is about how far I have come - Yhuss! 

My journey over the past few years to a more peaceful and intentional way of parenting has had many surprises and challenges.  It has provided me with challenges opportunities for reflection, learning and growth.  Oooo don't we all love those.  For too many years my parenting was more or the kind of "just deal with whatever crap comes your way - no direction - no theory - just do what you know - control your kids" kind of parenting.  But that was then and this is now. As with the rest of my life I am discovery and embracing a new way thinking and acting. And wouldn't you know I am becoming a better person in the process.  I said better - not perfect. I still stumble at times but now I am in a place where I learn from those stumbles.  We all like to learn don't we?

Yesterday my son Jayden (10) came into the kitchen and said in a very serious voice, "Mum you better come and take a look at this".  Uh oh.  Words of that sort is never a good thing.  A myriad of scenarios went through my mind from poo on the walls to feathers from a duvet all over the room and everything in between.  You know likely scenarios when you have kids.  He lead me into his room and pointed to his sister, Sophie (4) colouring in her dolls face with bright coloured pastels (aka face paint). 

Superhero dolls!

If you look closely you can see they even have masks around their eyes!!

Past Parent-Me: "What the hang do you think you are doing?  You should know that we draw on paper and not on dolls!  Now look at them, totally ruined.  That is just plain naughty.  I can't believe you would do something so stupid!  What the hang am I going to do now?  Ahhhhhh! 

.......and so on and so on!  Reads pretty awful and it sounds even worse but that is how I would of reacted and how a lot of parents still react to situations. I say this because I have heard it many times in loads of different situations.  But this isn't about them its about me.  For many many years I was guilty of reacting like the above and that makes me sad.  I would see the little girl and her eyes tearing up, yet I still wouldn't be able to stop. I would of totally missed what was actually going on or happening. Totally missed the moment in my anger.  Not to mention I more than likely would of felt bad and guilty for reacting like that, felt a failure as a parent/mother/person AND I just know I would of had to apologise to her. And who likes to do that! But fast forward to few years to yesterday and the scene played out like this!

Present Day Parent - Me: "Oh. pause BIG breath in. Sophie, what are you doing?
Sophie: looking at me with her big smiling eyes Um colouring in her face.
Me: Yes I see that.  Why are you doing that?
Sophie:  We are playing dolls and they are super-heroes and I am making her a mask on her face. See?
Me: on closer inspection Oh I see. I actually thought it looked pretty cool.  She looks like a Ninja Turtle now.
Sophie:  Kaitlyn did hers too!
Me:  Right, so even though we have super-hero dolls, what are we going to do about the drawing on the dolls because drawing on dolls isn't ideal
Sophie: It might wash off?? Yes you can wash it later.
Me:  Well you might have to help me wash it.
Sophie: Yeah but later we are playing now

I think you get the general idea.  I know that if I had taken one look at what she was doing and flew off the handle like I had done for all those years, I would of missed out on her explanation, the display of her imagination, totally shut down her creativity and how proud she sounded and made her feel ashamed.  Yes yes I know many of you will think that drawing on dolls will be seen as naughty and not looking after toys/disrespectful.  But I now know that she didn't set out to do something naughty, but to create something she needed and I actually thought it was pretty darn neat.  And the problem was easy fixed too. Soap and water!

So the problem (drawing on dolls) was still there and still had to be dealt with regardless of how I was going to react.  Now I (try) choose to leave my dignity intact, to come up another level as a parent and as a person. I am not perfect, still have moments where I react just like a big baby but moments like that are getting further apart - fortunately. Phew!!

I know that this will REALLY stretch some people boundaries in their thinking. Maybe you are thinking I am completely bonkers! That's OK - a lot of people do.  But stretching our boundaries is good, especially when it challenges you. Isn't that how we learn?  I know that we all want to have deep and loving relationships with our children. 

Let me ask you, if you were Sophie, how would you have liked me to react?