Strengthening Weakness

I know that this photo is pretty ho-hum. Yes it is my knee, my right knee to be exact well actually I should say its my right set of quadriceps. Thanks Miss Miller.... I remember! (Miss Miller was my 7th form PE teacher and probably isn't even Miss Miller anymore).

My right set of quadriceps are ridiculously weak. I have no idea as I am right-handed and lead with my right leg, but they are weak.  Most days I have been doing workouts and today's one was a tough leg workout. A line up of six exercises 15 times each (or each leg) 5 times, needless to say I was sweating and very red in the face.  This photo here is of me at the beginning of 15 steps up with my right leg leading. EVERY single time I get to this set I pause..I think I can't do it...I feel weak...I feel like my leg won't be able to hold me let alone lift me up on to the chair. I fear that I will fall or trip. I feel like giving up and just not doing it. 

The thing is its a mind game. I have to overcome my thoughts and feelings every single time. The first step is ALWAYS the toughest....I battle with myself to make it.

But you know what I always make it...I have never tripped or fallen. I have always completed the exercise and even though its that much harder on my right leg than my left. I can always do it. I may not look glamorous doing it but I can do it.

One would think I would have learnt not to question anymore and to just do it. One would think that I would know not to listen to my feelings and fears anymore seeing as past experiences tell me that its fine, that I CAN do it.

But no.

I am exactly like that in life too. I have had to do some hard stuff lately...ridiculously hard for me. I have had to put myself out there and ask people for help and sponsorship for Loving Arms upcoming Walk of Fun. For me that is a scary thing to do. A hard thing to do. I stress over making just one phone call all day, my chest is tight and I feel sick and like I can't breath. My head tells me things like "I am a nuisance," "Who do I think I am" "What gives me the right to ring and ask?" "They are just going to say no" "If they say yes its because they feel like they have to" "They are going to get angry at me" "You are just you" "Stop trying to be someone special cos you aren't" "Stop big-noting yourself" and so on and so on.

But you know what...now I can recognize what is happening and just need to counteract all those thoughts with what God thinks of me. That 'Yes - I am someone special', I can do this. So with the strength and the backing of the Almighty I carry on...yes it may take me all day but I do it. And it is always fine...no matter what the outcome of the phone call or of the asking....its fine. I am fine.  

So here I am...God is having me strengthen my muscle that is very weak...the muscle of asking and putting yourself 'out there' and risking rejection. I don't like this strengthening but it feels good afterwards.

I recognize that strengthening of this muscle is only a good thing. It is the thing that will take this Walk of Fun and make it great. Its the only thing that will make me better....make my weak areas stronger. I don't I will ever LOVE doing things like this but I may not hate it. And that can only be a good thing.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me." - 2 Cor 12:9

I love Books

Today as I cleaned off my bookshelf I put to bed a long-held dream of becoming a midwife. I realized that as I stood looking at my overflowing bookshelf of very birthy books. It dawned on me that being a midwife in the traditional sense was not for me. I had read re-read and re-read again every birth and midwifery text I could get my hands on in preparation of the one day....and there was a vast number. Even though I passionately felt this was where my heart was leading me...

I have felt over the last few years that my path is to be a different one. A path specially chosen for me by God himself. Am I sad.... a little. But I am also excited....I know my heart is for women, for mothers, for women becoming mothers...my drive is that they know they are valued, that they know what their bodies are capable of, that they know they have options, that they know they can say NO, that they are respected, that they are cared for, loved and given the best chance at succeeding in this life....as mothers and as women.

I will be with women.... a "midwife" in a sense! And that is what I am called to do. And I will do that with every bit of strength I have until I am told differently.... I am truly blessed.

There is Work to be Done.

I love this photo! Love it with every piece of my being. My beautiful niece sent it to me...its of her and my youngest daughter walking together on our bush holiday a few weeks back. Hand in hand..together.  I see so many stories and so many layers to this photo...I don't have the space or the words to do them justice...but I love it. Its simple and pure.

So I now I am thinking .....As the dust begins to settle from protests all around the world, women marching and standing together for women's rights. The right to be seen as valued members of society, for their voices to be heard and their wounds to be recognised in order for them to be healed. Now I feel like.... now what? What do we do with all that? Where do we go? How do we move forward? What does that even look like?

We women, we need to KNOW that we aren't created less than men.... but equal. Equal but different. We each have a part to play in this world and in advancing Gods Kingdom. No part is more important than the other just different. I love this excerpt from just one of the books I am reading at the moment, it was lent to me by our Youth Leader (who happens to be male)...the book is called Eve in Exile and the Restoration of Femininity by Rebekah Merkle.

"The Great Commission is the New Covenant expansion of the Creation Mandate given to the human race in Genesis. Initially our job was to fill the earth and subdue it (Gen. 1:28). Now there's an additional component: we need to convert and baptize the world (Matt. 28:19). Throw your mind back to Genesis. What critical ingredient was Adam missing when he was first created? He needed a helper. By himself, Adam was incapable of doing this job, incapable of either filling the earth or subduing it. So God created a helper suitable for the job. Woman was NOT an afterthought, or just someone for Adam to talk to, or someone who would make him sandwiches while he did all the filling and subduing of the earth. She was ESSENTIAL to the entire program. When God gave Eve to Adam, he was handing Adam an amplifier. Adam alone is just Adam. Adam WITH Eve...becomes the human race. Adam is the single acorn sitting on the driveway which, no matter how hard he tries, remains an acorn. Eve is the fertile soil which takes all the potential that resides in that acorn and turns it into a tree, which produces million more acorns and millions of trees. Eve IS fruitfulness.
    And if the Great Commission is the expansion of the Creation Mandate, if it is an unpacking of God's command in Genesis, then surely we see that women are integral to this project as well? The job of taking the world for Christ cannot be done by the men while we women sit off to the side and amuse ourselves with tea parties and having the occasional baby. If we take ourselves out of the game, the men cannot possibly accomplish what they are supposed to accomplish any more than Adam could of filled the earth on his own. WE ARE INTEGRAL to the project, and it's absolutely critical to the gospel mission that we recover a sense of our role. (Chapter 1 Pg 25-26) (Emphasis is mine)

Having known or now determined that we have an integral role to play.....what are we going to do with that information? How do we do that? How do we rally together as women so that there are no women left behind...that each know their value and worth? How do we stand with, encourage and enable our sisters, mothers, wives, daughters, neighbours, auntys, grandmothers, granddaughters, colleagues, our woman leaders, our pastors wives...any female we come across in lives no matter the race, social position or age? How do we instill in that she is absolutely integral to this world? Lord knows our world so desperately needs this. We can no longer sit by and let the lines between man and woman be blurred, so blurred in some cases that they are no longer visible. Man and Woman have been created different...physically, emotionally, mentally. Its time for our men to stand up... to be strong Godly men...to lead, live and love well...then and only then can women truly be free to be who God created them to be.....uniquely and beautifully female. Not less, equal but different.

Its time now for us to grow up and show up...for there is work to be done.

"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue"  - Proverbs 31:26

Its about Family

Some days you just have to fight for your family. All out no holds barred....fight. This week has not been a good one in our family. Arguments, shouting, crying and that's not just from the kids. As we struggle with finding our feet...our new normal with living in town with Dad/Jamie now back at work. We dedicated today as all about family....so we are ending it with everyone sleeping in the lounge with some extra yummy goodies. We need to celebrate our family because we really do ROCK....not punish them for each reacting in their own ways to the change in lifestyle.

We are ALL missing the pool...right about now they would be in and out of it about ten times or more a day. Everyone reacts differently....and it's our job to recognize the struggle in our children, in our family and counteract it with kindness, fun and love. We could of quite easily punished....and the world would say it was justified....but we choose relationship, we choose love and we choose family. For us as parents that means we show up, we are available and present and we are purposeful. It hasn't been the easiest thing to do today but as we come to the end of it....it's paying off. Our family.

New Normal - Town Living

I am pretty sure that I have like a billion and one (ok that maybe a little exaggerated) blog topics circling around in my head...and I wonder why I don't sleep very much yet I am tired.  I said to a friend recently that I feel like I need time....time to heal my soul. I had to apologise to her after a night out as I wasn't at all my usual self.....and the thing was I knew I wasn't and I just didn't have it in me to even pretend.

This past week has been a little more on the difficult side....Jamie went back to work and of course we missed him. I missed him the most I think....he and I gel together quite well and I like being around him. We often dream of working together.....in Alaska or somewhere. So this week was a week of adjustments all round. Its been tough.  We are finding living in town...while good, exceptionally good for petrol costs, ease of getting around and the general convenience of living 400m from the town centre....we are finding the closeness of the neighbours a little claustrophobic, the lack of view and privacy and the lack of open space somewhat hard.  My children have grown up using country voices and now need to learn town voices...perhaps we too need town voices.  I am insanely paranoid of the neighbours and them being able to hear the kids screeching, arguing and general kid noises, I believe I have even told them off for laughing too loud. Who does that I ask??!!  I think that it is made worse that we have no children directly around us..well actually I am guessing we don't because I haven't seen nor heard any at all.  I have seen children twice across the street but thats it.  What do town children do with themselves I ask?  Perhaps if I saw some learning to do back flips on the trampoline or flipping on to mattresses I would feel better.  If its like this now...how will I cope in the school term?

I most definitely know without a doubt, with all my heart that God has blessed us with this house....its really perfect for us at this moment in our lives, its what we need.   Its still taking a bit of getting use to and I am missing my old normal.

"But my God shall supply all you need according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus"  - Phil 4:19

Hydrangeas

 I love hydrangeas! I planted a whole heap in our previous home in the country. I am wondering what they look like at the moment.

Today marks the start of half-holidays......you know when your hubby is back at work this morning and the rest of the family is still in holiday mode but you really need to kick yourself into gear and get going. Things that won't happen if you sit in your pjs all morning drinking tea. It's going to be a big year I need to get cracking......!

Are you on a half holiday?

Power to the Mama

I am thinking that I might want to delete the 'p' out of the word power on my favourite cup this morning. 'Ower' to the Mama....because man that's so what I could do with. It's been one of those morning where I have chasing my tail, fighting a never-ending battle with kids and chores, washing, dirty floors, dirty bathroom benches and unmade beds. I didn't sleep much last night due to too much going on in my head and a certain four year kneeing me in the ribcage. I just should of got up and started writing/planning. So here I sit tired and hot with frustration close to my lips. I may or may not have just sent two of my kids to cut grass with scissors....better that than cutting paper into hundreds of tiny pieces.

But as I read His Word "Set a guard, O Lord, before my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips. Incline my heart not to submit or consent to any evil thing...." Ps 141:3-4...I sense my Lord gently but poignantly reminding me to take care and pepper my words with kindness. *sigh* Yes Lord I hear you. I hope you have a great day.....I am off to vacuum. Xx

2017 - The Year of New Normal

"I understand in theory the idea that I will have to cross people in this world, especially the people who are not listening to my words, not heeding my decisions, not respecting my space. But for so long I've never called people out on theses things because I was more concerned with being thought well of than protecting my wellness. Then all of a sudden I realized I was tired not because life was full but because life was full of things that were draining the soul right out of me." - 'Brazen'  Leeana Tankersley Pg 122

Firstly Happy New Year everyone! Hands up if you are excited for the coming year.??  Anyone???  I am getting there...although today this has been my view for a large part of the day laid flat on my bed with not feeling the best. I guess I just am needed time, more time for rest and healing.

So 2017.....how are we feeling about it?  I am choosing to look forward into the year as a blank canvas with a raft of possibilities and opportunities. Isn't it exciting??

I am finally reading this book 'Brazen' by Leeana Tankersley, its speaking to my very soul.  I am pretty sure she is writing my story or at the very least spent sometime in my head.  The above is a quote that jumped out and punched me in the face today. I literally had to stop reading and put the book down, catch my breath and think on that for a time.  I know I am a people-pleaser....I have been for years. I can't stand the thought of someone thinking bad things of me even though I know there are probably lots that do. I don't like to disappoint, to anger or to look like a fool. It can send me into a tail spin and frustrates the heck out of my husband. "Who cares what other people think?  I DO I DO I DO!!!

The ability to know how to please people is a gift/knack/heart but when its misused, abused and is sucking the life out of you its a very BAD HABIT. Its tiring and probably much of my problem of feeling overwhelmed a lot of the time......so here I am at the age of 39 (and thats a whole other story) I choose to...need to choose to put boundaries in place and grow up, grow up into myself...into who God has made me to be, not apologize for me.....because He made me in His image.  And He only makes GOOD things.

"So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.........God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. - Genesis 1:27-31