Strengthening Weakness

I know that this photo is pretty ho-hum. Yes it is my knee, my right knee to be exact well actually I should say its my right set of quadriceps. Thanks Miss Miller.... I remember! (Miss Miller was my 7th form PE teacher and probably isn't even Miss Miller anymore).

My right set of quadriceps are ridiculously weak. I have no idea as I am right-handed and lead with my right leg, but they are weak.  Most days I have been doing workouts and today's one was a tough leg workout. A line up of six exercises 15 times each (or each leg) 5 times, needless to say I was sweating and very red in the face.  This photo here is of me at the beginning of 15 steps up with my right leg leading. EVERY single time I get to this set I pause..I think I can't do it...I feel weak...I feel like my leg won't be able to hold me let alone lift me up on to the chair. I fear that I will fall or trip. I feel like giving up and just not doing it. 

The thing is its a mind game. I have to overcome my thoughts and feelings every single time. The first step is ALWAYS the toughest....I battle with myself to make it.

But you know what I always make it...I have never tripped or fallen. I have always completed the exercise and even though its that much harder on my right leg than my left. I can always do it. I may not look glamorous doing it but I can do it.

One would think I would have learnt not to question anymore and to just do it. One would think that I would know not to listen to my feelings and fears anymore seeing as past experiences tell me that its fine, that I CAN do it.

But no.

I am exactly like that in life too. I have had to do some hard stuff lately...ridiculously hard for me. I have had to put myself out there and ask people for help and sponsorship for Loving Arms upcoming Walk of Fun. For me that is a scary thing to do. A hard thing to do. I stress over making just one phone call all day, my chest is tight and I feel sick and like I can't breath. My head tells me things like "I am a nuisance," "Who do I think I am" "What gives me the right to ring and ask?" "They are just going to say no" "If they say yes its because they feel like they have to" "They are going to get angry at me" "You are just you" "Stop trying to be someone special cos you aren't" "Stop big-noting yourself" and so on and so on.

But you know what...now I can recognize what is happening and just need to counteract all those thoughts with what God thinks of me. That 'Yes - I am someone special', I can do this. So with the strength and the backing of the Almighty I carry on...yes it may take me all day but I do it. And it is always fine...no matter what the outcome of the phone call or of the asking....its fine. I am fine.  

So here I am...God is having me strengthen my muscle that is very weak...the muscle of asking and putting yourself 'out there' and risking rejection. I don't like this strengthening but it feels good afterwards.

I recognize that strengthening of this muscle is only a good thing. It is the thing that will take this Walk of Fun and make it great. Its the only thing that will make me better....make my weak areas stronger. I don't I will ever LOVE doing things like this but I may not hate it. And that can only be a good thing.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me." - 2 Cor 12:9