Flashback

Day 39

Flashback to the day Charlie Grace was born.

I get very teary looking st these photos....I have spared you actual c-section photos and photos of her just moments old that my lovely midwife took. Those ones I'll hold close to me as even though I was awake I didn't witness her being born or the first 30mins of her life. I have sadness around that. Hearing her but not seeing or touching her. A mama's first instinct after giving birth is to reach for her baby and hold it close. I missed that. But I take comfort in the fact that she enjoyed skin to skin with her daddy. I love that photo so much. I also love the fact that someone captured the first time I held her and her first feed. I always cry looking at that photo. It was such a massive journey bringing Charlie into the world....planned home birth...failure to progress past 5 cm...posterior lying (the most hideous back pain) ....a spinal and an epidural and consequently led to a c-section.

The recovery and healing from that journey has been a story in itself....but we are getting there...slowly. In spite of any sadness I might have around her birth I also am totally thankful and happy with the decisions that I made and the care that I received. I do not know why it ended up like this but I do know that God is good and He gives us good things...I choose to believe this and the fact I will never know why is ok with me. As we are near the end of #first40withcharliegrace I look at her in awe and wonder...totally marveling at the miracle that is life....and the fact that I get to do this...this life. I get to be her mother. I get to be mother to 7 others....I get to be a wife...get to be in ministry....I get to live this life of privilege because it is a privileged one and I get choose how well I live it. I want to live it well. I want to make a difference, be a world changer....and to do that you just can't dwell on what isn't or the things you don't have or didn't get.

Look at those hats

Thankful for the Medication

Day 38 of 40

Day 38.

I am expecting Charlie to be awake for a long while now and to be extra hungry. Church this morning....slept the whole time, home for a quick lunch where she had a feed and then out to Hamilton for a few hours...slept the whole time again. Needless to say I am wanting/needing her to have a couple of big drinks...for my comfort as well as sustenance for herself. If you are or were a breast feeding mum you'll catch my drift. I really wished I had snapped a pic of Charlie being cuddled and held by one of the elderly ladies at church. She is such a strong dedicated women of faith that has suffered many losses over the years. To see the expression of joy on her face while she was holding her was priceless. It blessed me seeing her so blessed as she kissed her downy head and snuggled into Charlie's chubbiness. I originally asked her of she could hold her so I could go to the bathroom but was so blessed instead. Melted my heart with warm fuzzies.

So last night's sleeping arrangements went....um well....let's just say I started off with good intentions but the look of her in her giant bed ALL the way over in her own bed (a whole 40cm) made her look tiny. Plus she wasn't happy with the new arrangements soooo Jamie ended up sleeping in her bed and her in with me. We will try again at a later date. BUT I will say everyone had a very goodnight sleep so that's the main thing isn't it. I totally see a yurt coming our way.... I am realising that we are coming to the end of #first40withcharliegrace and I am thinking about what to do next. Do I continue and if so what does that look like? Do I feature more of the rest of the family? What else should I write about? If you want to vote comment below or check out my stories and have a say. So many of you have said how much they have enjoyed this piece of writing I have been doing...how much they relate and how thought-provoking it has been. I thank everyone who has given me feedback over this time. Totally makes sharing our journey worthwhile. knowing it's enjoyed is very much humbling and a blessing

I do love my sleep! 

She's so lucky

Day 35.

I really do think that Charlie is the luckiest baby girl around. She has so many people that love her and can't wait to give her snuggles. I don't need to worry if I am busy or out of the room that she will be upset by herself....at the first cry someone is there ready to pick her up and she LOVES snuggles. It was a #lovingarms day today and I was in and out packing up a bundle. So my beautiful friend Ashlea swooped in to rescue the squirmy bubba from her capsule. I really do feel so blessed.

Charlie's stint of feeding all day ended last night and she only woke twice for a big drink...do big in fact that she gulps it down and you can hear it bouncing off the sides of her stomach. She is such a noisey drinker.

She's five weeks old today. It's hard to believe that it's only been weeks since she was inside me. I often sit and think about all the ways I am changed as a person and as a mother since having her. You really don't understand how much you can multiply love you have to give and how much you can multi-task until you have to. You simply grow into it.

We have a birthday in the house next week so a sleep over is happening here tomorrow.... exciting times. I'll have three teenage boys...please do are a thought for our food bill!

Ashley & Charlie

Day 33

Day 33.

Ok I am cheating a little as I took this photo late last night. See I told you she would wake up and that she did.

Charlie is all cheeks! Seriously just look at them. I like to "eat" them all the time. Nom nom nom.

I see her change every day. Everyday she is so different. Her night out last night must of tired her out because she basically has slept most of the day. Slowly the fights over who is going to hold her is coming to an end I think they have learnt holding her means running the risk of being spilled on. Now that's just funny!

We are off to the big smoke tomorrow to see the physio for my poor stomach muscles. I am praying they can work miracles. I don't want to look pregnant forever. I am also off to the osteopath tomorrow for my back and neck. I know I still have a fair bit of healing to do...do hopefully these things will start me on the right track and things can start to look up.

I need some suggestions lovely mamas out there. I need to find something to wear....semi-formal, not to clingy, need to breast feed in it and not too short. I need within two weeks. And doesn't cost the earth. Thoughts? Ideas? Help a girl out....please! I need to look halfway decent.

Day 31

Day 31

Today was better than yesterday although I have been battling a headache which is more than likely from a sore neck and shoulders. The sun was shining too which makes a huge difference doesn't it?

Isn't that the way the life goes though...we all have dark days, hard days and bad stuff happens but like the grey dreary weather it never lasts forever...and like the sun that always comes out so does the good times, blessings and rest too.

Charlie is learning to smile and learning to 'talk' baby chatter. This always always melts my heart and brings me utter joy. There simply isn't anything like it.

Someone asked me today if I had suffered the baby blues...I had to stop and think. No I hadn't. I have certainly been reflective over these last few weeks and often that brings me to years but I hadn't experienced any baby blues like I had in previous post-birth periods. I am in a totally different space this time....seeing this time as a gift and not so much the struggle. I definitely have had way more healing and rest time where I have been able to pull back from responsibilities breathe and soley sink myself into enjoying wee Charlie and enjoying just being a mum for a while.

What I have learnt most of all...is to let go. Let go of the control and the stress that brings because for me when I try to control it actually brings me more stress. To slow down and find beauty, which brings joy. And we all need joy, don't we?

Charlie is certainly well loved by her siblings who fight over who is going to hold her next. Here is Jesse enjoying some skin time with her. I love that he loves her so much.

Ya! Cousins

 Day 30.

When Cousins Meet.

We had a mid-year family dinner tonight where Charlie met her one of her older cousins. Looks like love at first sight don't you think?

We have had a bit of a rough day around here...(nothing to do with baby) and everyone is a little unsettled. Charlie remains oblivious to it all and is still her super chilled self. Sleeping while she was passed around family members each wanting a snuggle....who doesn't love a newborn snuggle.

To be honest I am totally uninspired to write anything tonight....the day doesn't really deserve documenting. But what I do know is that I am incredibly grateful for family and friends and sweet newborn snuggles

Day 28: And Growing Fast

Day 28.

Four weeks old!

Can you believe it! I can't. On one hand it feels like she's been here forever.... on the other hand, it feels like she's only just got here yesterday. Perhaps that's how mummy brains work!

These two pics are simply how we roll around here. She sleeps and she gets kissed, squished and picked up purely because she looks cute. She remains asleep. Anyone else would find that annoying....I know I would.

So yesterday I clearly was in some kind of tailspin and felt I was frazzled...Today well I felt like I am winning at life....phew! Thank you, God. We spent another afternoon down at Loving Arms packing up bundles for mums in need. Charlie was a gem and spent most of the time asleep. Seeing she's a newborn I love our ring sling...it's so comfy and she snuggles on in and goes to sleep. I can remain hands free to do things like drink coffee, fold clothes and write words. Plus it's so easy to quickly put on. Once she is a bit older I prefer the wrap. That's life saver.

It's date night tonight....I can't wait. It means I can see what my husband looks like again and two I don't have to do bedtime by myself. Wahoo. Last night I was literally running around around the house after Frankie (3) trying to catch her for bed....She told me she wanted to stay up all night. She didn't but she had a good go. So here's to a much more simpler night.

Day 27

Day 27.

It's official. I have a chubby bubba as she is out of the majority of all her 000 (0-3mths) clothes and needs 00 (3-6mths) at just 4 weeks. What the hang???? Her socks...she still fits her socks though. Phew!

She's hanging out with me as I finish off some quiet time. She woke up after a massive sleep, I fed her and this is her now. It must of been good. Lol.

I thought I would talk a little about the juggle that we all face as mothers. The juggle it can be tough. I refuse to call it the "struggle"....I simply refuse to give it that much power, the much negativity. Yeah it's tough when you are in the middle of it. We all have things we need to accomplish, want to do, have to get done. People to see, places to go. Distractions or unplanned events (both good and bad)... That we need to reset our day for. We wear many hats.....wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, business owner, employee and so on.

This week has been tough (and it's only Wednesday) ....juggling all the balls....all in the air at once and which one do I catch first. Which one can I drop? Can it be dinner? Please let it be dinner....who needs to eat anyway? It's hard when so many people are relying on you NOT to drop any of those balls. So we carry on...doing our best but maybe that's not enough.

Today I was presented with an opportunity for earn a bit of money...good money for one days work doing what I love...being the voice for mama's everywhere...in Wellington. Travel paid. I can't go...I simply can't squeeze it in...I thought about it but I left me breathless and tight-chested. It will hurt to say no....I feel like I am letting the side down. Guilt...mama guilt will do that to you. So I choose to seek comfort and guidance, peace and strength in His Word and rest into His presence. I may have dropped all the balls today but thank you God for tomorrow and His mercies are fresh each morning.

Day 25

Day 25.

Our wee Charlie is chubbing up all over the place. Gosh I am in love! I totally love nibbling on her chin and smooshing her fat cheeks. Now I know I am not the only one that does that. Everyday she is becoming more alert to her surrounds and absorbing all the craziness that's going on around her. Today was CRAZY! Mondays aren't my favourite day of the week. For some reason my kids have trouble coming down off the high that is the weekend therefore have trouble re-focusing into school. Seriously who doesn't want to learn about topographical maps and past, present and future tense on a Monday morning? I look forward to a space in the afternoon where I can swipe some quiet time while the kids are busy.

Charlie seems to have carved out a loose routine for herself. I say loose because it does change a bit and also I have never really been one for routines. That way I can't get upset if they change. I think I am more of a semi-pattern kind of girl mixed with one who takes her cues from baby. One thing I have learnt from Charlie is that I can't overfeed her. She gets a sore tummy if I do and spits it back up. She also acts like she's hungry if she has wind and tries to eat my face off....but stops when she burps. She is a champion burper. We are talking man size burps. They are impressive. She is a squirmy wormy if she has wind but also if she's hungry. And will cluster feed later in the evening but only if she's tired. She has a few short naps in the morning and a mammoth sleep session in the afternoon. It's like a puzzle and I think I'm on it. Quite possibly a major benefit to hibernating for three weeks. But in saying that I know full well that she could throw in a game changer and I'll have to relearn it all. That's just how we roll around here.

Time to sleep

Day 24

 Day 24

Sunday afternoons be like.......

Well ladies and gentlemen we made it to church! Whoop whoop. I can't say how nice it was to be back in the house of the Lord and back together with church family. Our people. The people that have carried both Charlie and I through the last few months with prayer, encouragement, meals and blessings. My heart is full to over-flowing. Hibernating away for three weeks has been good for the soul and body....but it was good to be back. I did have a wee moment this morning questioning whether I was ready or not but on reflection that may have had more to do with body image than anything else.

The whole-body image thing is real. It's something I struggle with and it's even worse after giving birth. I feel like I should look better than I do. Even though if it was me talking with a mum in my position I would be preaching "be kind to yourself", "give yourself time" and "you are beautiful". You know all that stuff. I do need to preach it...preach it to the one who needs it the most. Me. Am I listening?

Church must of tired her out because she has slept the entire afternoon half on me as I lay on the couch and then in her swing (that doesn't swing lol). I took some time to read the Word and some of my book on Hygge (pronounced hooga if you didn't know). I can hear a cabin in snowy Alaska with a log fire and a cup of hot chocolate calling my name. But I guess I'll settle for a cup of chamomile and a snuggly newborn and paw patrol playing in the background for now.

Day 23

Day 23.

Excuse the tired look....maybe I need to map alongside this girl. I think the evenings of flying solo are catching up on me. My shoulders are sore. My face is sore. How do you get a sore face? But I have a few more to go yet so putting on my big girl pants and handling it. Really what else is there to do? Complain? Rant? Loathe? Resent? How is that helpful? Short answer it's not...never. In actual fact it makes it worse. Always.

In this journey I am looking for the good, the beautiful. There is so much ugly in the world. So much broken. So much anger. The world does not need anymore of that and most certainly does not need any from me. As a mother in want to be filling the world of my children with beautiful, with good, things that are pure. Of God.

We are having an "in arms" kind of day here. Fortunately for me that can mean I can spend some time sitting, snuggling and rolling with it. Unfortunately for me that also means the pantry gets raided, the floors get messed and my benches are covered in crumbs and emptied biscuit tins. Although my kids are great and help out a lot....they are also kids and perhaps left a little more unsupervised than normal they cut corners. They are normal.

At times every fibre in my body would to like to throw a fit and bark orders in hopes to get things done quickly. And sometimes I do. But like I said the world doesn't need anymore ugly and while a clean tidy house may happen as a result of that ugly....the real result is the tainted atmosphere that is reflected in their eyes. I known my kids are good kids. Not perfect. But good.

So we slow down. All will be righted all in good time. For now we snuggle. And I breathe.....deeply.

"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things" - Phil 4:8

Day 21

Day 21

3 weeks old!

Excuse me....how did that happen?! She will be driving next.

What a mammoth day! Well it wasn't really but it certainly felt like it. We spent a lot of the day out of the house. We ended up going to her routine hearing screening....all good there. I have never been a "routine" kinda person...preferring to go with my gut instead. But this time I decided to get her hearing tested because she literally does not flinch through any kind of crazy amount of kid noise. I guess she is just use to it.

We also had an awesome after at Loving Arms packing up four bundles for four new mums in need....they'll roll out early next week. Phew. Charlie was a superstar and just hung out with us being all cute and that. Like her at home....she is blessed to be born into a loving church and community family....so there is never a short of snuggly arms to cuddle her and watchful eyes to watch her. She is blessed. I blessed. I totally believe that babies, just by being themselves bless people. It softens them.

Needless to say even though I purposefully did not work too hard and lift anything....I am very sore today. I feel like the ends of my scar are pulling and my stomach is bruised. Time to sit down for the evening I think.

It's date night tonight...and while it looks a little different at present seeing as we are sharing this space with Charlie ....we still need to make it happen. Our lives are too busy for it not to happen. I might forget what he looks like otherwise and that can't happen.

Day 20

Day 20.

It's very rare that this girl gets to sleep without at least one sibling picking her up for a hug. Fortunately she just stays asleep. I think it's her gift. She pretty much has spent the whole day asleep....barely waking for a feed or a nappy change. She can do all that with her eyes closed. See gifted. She must be having a growth spurt....like she needs one of those. I already need to get some 00 (3-6 months) onesies for her. Slow down baby girl. Slow down.

I did manage to snap a pic off of her in one of her short awake periods. She has already changed so much.

I had a lovely visit with a dear friend today. You know the ones that are good for your soul. She brought me this book...which for me, right now is just the perfect thing. I simply cannot wait to start reading this. I am all about the slow and the simple. Perhaps that's because there are parts of my life that are far from slow and simple.

Having a newborn in the house has made me more aware of all the exquisitely beautiful gifts that are all around us and that for the most part we are just two busy to notice them.

Day 18

 Day 18.

I ventured out into public today...like into a shop actually make that two. Talk about a surreal kind of feeling. After living S-L-O-W for weeks now the busyness of the world outside my four walls was overwhelming. It was an overload to my poor senses....and the supermarket was a whole other level. Quite possibly one of the few times I have not wanted to run into anyone I know. My outing needed to be done by me...fortunately my husband was more than happy just to be my driver and sit in the car and mind the baby. I can feel the repercussions in my body now though. How slow do I have to go?

Wee Charlie slept through the whole outing....as you do when you just a few weeks old.

Today is the last day of SLOW. Tomorrow we'll restart school here. So I caught up on some school prep while enjoying a nice cup of tea. The challenge for me will be getting out of bed earlier....much earlier, I am looking forward to it. Re-entering our normal all the while looking a little different. My husband goes back to work tomorrow.

The last two weeks have been a gift. A true gift of healing and restoring me to myself. A gift to being able to reflect on the unexpected journey that God has taken us on. Right from the beginning this pregnancy was unexpectedly different....which became an unexpected kind of birth...not at all how I planned or remotely wanted. BUT within all that unexpected was this journey. Her story. The story of Charlie Grace. And already God has shown me much. It is only good.

First Outing

 Day 16.

First Outing.

Yay....we left the house! Wahoo....what a milestone. Go us! OK so we were a little late in leaving....but seriously anyone who isn't the first time they venture is seriously not human!

We ventured out on this glorious winter sun-filled day to visit my bestie/sister-in-law in her new house. All in all our adventure was a success I think and we now have officially re-entered the world. Plus I wore jeans today whoop whoop! OK so they were maternity jeans BUT they were my normal size jeans, so I am counting that as a win. I am not one of those ones that can fit their normal clothes soon after birth....nope. Give me four months and I MAY be out of them! My husband always says....it takes nine months to grow a baby...lets give nine months to get back to your previous size. And let's be honest I wasn't the smallest pregnant lady.

I also had a wee practice with the wrap today. I have used this with past babies but not yet with Charlie. We will be off to church tomorrow seeing as I am no longer hibernating and also my husband is preaching...so we will be there supporting him. I also miss everyone too. As you can see there were no complaints from the wee girl.

After a rough beginning to our night (may have had something to do with the blue cheese I ate) We managed to sleep in a little only to be woken by these two cherubs and their cold feet. They are especially proud of wee Charlie Grace and never miss a chance to give her love. Jesse (5) is constantly sniffing her and declaring that "she just smells soooo good". I happen to totally agree with him. Smelly her sweet milky breath is my favourite past time of late.

Jesse & Charlie

Frankie & Charlie

Day 15

 Day 15.

This! It's all kinds of deliciousness right there. Today was bath day. I say that like it was an event but that's because it was! Charlie Grace's first ever bath! And she LOVED it! She totally relaxed and let the familiar surrounds of water caress her. If she could smile I am sure she would of. Now you maybe thinking why we have waited 2 weeks to bath her or perhaps that's kind of gross. Babies don't get dirty and certainly nothing that a warm cloth can't fix. Instead we chose to let all the crazy goodness that vernix aka baby-frosting aka that white stuff on freshly born babies, absorb into the skin...nourishing and moisturizing it. We also were waiting for her umbilical cord to dry, heal and fall off. Plus I feel it's another thing we as a society rushed to do when we can merely slow down. She certainly was exhausted albeit soft and hair fluffy and fell fast asleep. No baby baths around here...I find them a pain to fill and empty. No I was blessed to share my bath with her and have some precious skin to skin time.

I have um'ed and ahh'ed about leaving the house today. I didn't in the end....I think I am just reluctant to step out and re-enter the world so to speak. I well know that there is no back-peddling into hibernation once you are out. Maybe I'll be ready tomorrow.....plus I am getting bored. Two weeks is quite a long time to have stayed put....especially for a people person like me. Although up until now every time I contemplated going out I have cried....total warning sign that I haven't been ready.

I made a number of appointments today including one to the physiotherapy department. They'll see me in three weeks thanks. I am hoping and praying that they can help my poor post c-section body back into shape and looking and feeling less like an 87 year old woman. Also waiting for an osteopath appointment so they can sort my back out...then perhaps I'll be able to move better too. Still loads of healing to be done

One day at a time. God is good.

Day 13 Bliss!

 Day 13.

Wee Charlie had a hungry day today.... fortunately we just roll with it round here...so if it takes 27 sides of mummy to fill her hungry tummy then so be it. I learnt long ago that 1. Nothing lasts forever and 2. To breast feed one handed while walking.... it's a lifesaver. She is currently enjoying a snooze by the fire while her sister squishes her face.

Her cord came off last night...I was so used to seeing it still that I got quite a shock to find it missing when I went to change her. I was a little sad that it's fallen off....it means she's growing. My husband thought I was weird when I told him that. I just said. .."well you married me"....clearly that makes him just as if not more weird.

Frankie is finding having a little sister a little unsettling. Even though she obviously loves her with the amount of squishing and cuddling she lavishes on her. Our poor Frankie has been extra emotional and extra grumpy too. I find this the hard part. ...how do I make it better? Can I make it better? But again, I know.... nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. We just have to weather the storm of our wee girls emotions and lavish extra love on her.

On another note....these sunny winters days. Don't they just lift your spirits and make everything appear happy. One can't help to feel thankful....extra thankful seeing a lovely friend dropped off Chicken Noodle Soup for lunch which I enjoyed whilst sitting in the sun reading the Word.

Bliss

Day 10

 Day 10.

Oh, be still my heart. I could spend eternity looking at her sweet face, her deep dark eyes, her cupids bow lips. Spend eternity stroking her soft wispy hair, squishy round cheeks, her virgin feet that have never known ground. Oh, I am in love...deeply in love. Oh, how I look at her and wish I could freeze time, that her in all her smallness would remain forever.... for everyday she changes, she gets older, stronger, she gets more. Is it a gift that I know how fast time goes...how fleeting these moments are? I just need to look into the eyes of my others to be reminded just how fast it goes. I want to savor...to deeply feel all of everything so they are etched into my heart forever. For she like the others are a gift from our God above. I don't want to miss a thing.

As you can probably tell it's been a quiet reflective kind of day.... where I swing between enjoying the moment to being deep in thought. I feel feelings deeply.....and I need to process. How is it possible to feel sad, longing, thankfulness, wonder, love, mad, tired, blessed and whole all at the same time?

Our wee Charlie woke with a cold this morning....just over one week and she already has a cold...but totally not surprising when the entire household has one too. Thank you, God, I can nourish her snuffly squishy-ness.

I baked muffins today. And sorted and folded clothes. Normal mama stuff. It felt good. But I also found myself wishing to go back to just resting. I am tired physically now. My back aches. My wound aches. My heart aches.

On an up note....today is day 10. I can remove my wound dressing...if I could see it properly. It will be a job for my husband I think. But not only that....I can take a bath! Oh, how I have missed that....in fact it's already been run for me and sits steaming and waiting. Oh how wonderful.

Perfect Little Hand

Day 9

Day 9.

It's a pretty quiet household around here with two girls at the annual #dotk camp, a boy at a friend's house and two of the little ones a little under the weather. Makes for a very very quiet house....too quiet but then again I have been craving quiet. I miss them.

Now seeing I am being all honest and everything.....I have two words for you...disposable undies. Now I am not going to get as honest as some might and post a pic of myself in them...no ill spare you of that. But as any c-section mama will tell you to have anything rubbing even remotely close to your wound is close to torture. Cue disposable undies. They are big (think granny undies - sorry granny's) , stretchy and super comfy. Not only that but they save your own nice knickers from being ruined in those first few days. I totally recommend them....actually I wish I used before.

Again your welcome

Also cute Moses basket still hasn't been used for what it was designed for but as a storage unit. Keeping all things I might need in the dark hours of the night nice and close.

You can see Charlie isn't short of love even when she's sleeping. I popped in to check on her and someone (namely a little one) made sure she had some friends to keep her company. All the cuteness right there!

So Cute!