I Love This

I think this might be it. The quote of all quotes...coined by @msrachelhollis from the book 'Girl, Wash Your Face' .

The quote that this chronic-people-pleaser-addict will refer back to time and time again. Game changing is you ask me.

I know I have a problem and it's a problem that at times strangles the life out of me, causes me stress and anxiety to no end, makes me doubt myself, my abilities and drives my husband nuts. Like all addictions its crippling at times.

Hi my name is Sharni and I'm a people-pleaser.

Oh, how I want to be free from this...to be live life from a place of a confidence and strength...to live as who God created me to be. Not to adapt myself so that everybody in sundry likes me and then if someone doesn't immediately spiral into a tailspin.

I say this like it will be the most simple thing in the world for me to do...just stop caring. But it most definitely won't be.

I am still traumatized and deeply hurting over the end of a close friendship that came to a screaming halt a few years ago now. Even the mere mention of the name and my chest is instantly tight and I want to cry.

The realization that I can't be all for everybody, that people are going to think what they like of me.... phew it's going to be hard to let it go.

I am deeply loved not only by my family and friends but by God who uniquely crafted me into me.... if I try to be someone different just to please who would be me???

Ps. I absolutely love love love @msrachelhollis .....I think we could be great friends.

Raw & Honest

Looks peaceful doesn't she....in all her glorious babyness. I love to her moon and back a thousand times.

But time for some honesty.... I have been pregnant for over 7 years and breast feeding for over 10 years of my life...some of that time has over lapped but either way it's a long time to share your body with someone. I love breast feeding...love the feeling of being able to nurture my child, nourish them with goodness, snuggle with them and be their source of comfort. Love love love it.

But lately I have struggled to feel those same feelings, struggling to find them even. Charlie has never been a peaceful quiet breast feeder. Right from the get-go she would twist, turn, cough, splutter, pull back, bite, pinch me and scratch.... then she pulls off when she's had enough, she pulls off without letting go if suction. Needless to say, it hurts.

I'm struggling with feeling bad about the thought of weaning her, like I'm not doing her the same justice I have with all my others. I fed all 7 well over 12months...some to nearly two. Yet as much as I love her here, I am not really enjoying this breastfeeding relationship with my youngest. And last night I actually got to the point where I physically couldn't stand being touched. The thought of being touched hurt. The mother guilt is REAL here.

I have all the thoughts. If I wean her, will she feel like I don't love her as much as the others, will she suffer some kind of childhood trauma because of it. Will her health be compromised. Will she still feel my love for her. Am I just being plain selfish? I tell you I have ALL the dramatic thoughts.

Today...I'm thinking I'll aim for 12 months and then I'll revisit the weaning decision. I have always told other mums it's a two-way relationship.... I need to tell that to myself too. I need to hear it.

Why oh why are we so damn hard in ourselves!!!???? So, there's where I'm at.... being raw and honest.

Can We Love Like That

Reflecting on the tragic and absolute horrific happenings to our small wee country...words fail me. I simply cannot form the sentences to describe my feelings or thoughts. Numb.

The solidarity that has formed and the love displayed across the country is phenomenal really...heart-warming. My prayer though that this will feeling, these catch phrases that are floating around will outlast more than a few weeks. That it will actually be cemented into us and become part of our DNA.

How easy it is to say we should love all and everyone... from a distance. It's safe.

We don't have to change or do anything different from what we do now. But for REAL love to happen.... the love of Christ....you're going to have to get down and dirty, you're going to have to connect with people that aren't like you, that might even scare you, that might not even like you. You are going to have to show grace when you want to shout angry words, sacrifice when you want comfort and security, serve when you want to rest or play and give when you want to keep. Can we love like that?

Can I love like that?

Loving people hurts. Its messy and uncomfortable and sometimes it freaks me out. Sometimes I look like an idiot and sometimes it gets thrown back in my face. But I want to still choose love, choose Christ for He is the ultimate love. I want to choose Him every time because after all He chose me.

Always look for the helping people.... because that's where hope is found.... right next door to love.

In the words of @bobgoff

"Love Does"