Raw & Honest

Looks peaceful doesn't she....in all her glorious babyness. I love to her moon and back a thousand times.

But time for some honesty.... I have been pregnant for over 7 years and breast feeding for over 10 years of my life...some of that time has over lapped but either way it's a long time to share your body with someone. I love breast feeding...love the feeling of being able to nurture my child, nourish them with goodness, snuggle with them and be their source of comfort. Love love love it.

But lately I have struggled to feel those same feelings, struggling to find them even. Charlie has never been a peaceful quiet breast feeder. Right from the get-go she would twist, turn, cough, splutter, pull back, bite, pinch me and scratch.... then she pulls off when she's had enough, she pulls off without letting go if suction. Needless to say, it hurts.

I'm struggling with feeling bad about the thought of weaning her, like I'm not doing her the same justice I have with all my others. I fed all 7 well over 12months...some to nearly two. Yet as much as I love her here, I am not really enjoying this breastfeeding relationship with my youngest. And last night I actually got to the point where I physically couldn't stand being touched. The thought of being touched hurt. The mother guilt is REAL here.

I have all the thoughts. If I wean her, will she feel like I don't love her as much as the others, will she suffer some kind of childhood trauma because of it. Will her health be compromised. Will she still feel my love for her. Am I just being plain selfish? I tell you I have ALL the dramatic thoughts.

Today...I'm thinking I'll aim for 12 months and then I'll revisit the weaning decision. I have always told other mums it's a two-way relationship.... I need to tell that to myself too. I need to hear it.

Why oh why are we so damn hard in ourselves!!!???? So, there's where I'm at.... being raw and honest.