Musings of May Day 20 - The End

OK a word of warning here if you are a bloke and get weirded out about women talking about breastfeeding....don't read anymore because thats what I am talking about tonight. Its all good. You can read on but don't say I didn't warn you.

This is the picture I took tonight of Frankie-pants (18mths). She has just fallen asleep and I had managed to unlatch her and ninja my way out from beside her. I took this photo from my pillow where I sleep at night, she isn't that far from me is she? So why do I feel like she is miles away from me?  As I was feeding her to sleep tonight I was thinking about the inevitable last time I might feed her. I am sad, really sad.  I have a deadline. I am going away at the beginning of September and its not that I don't want to go...I really do.  But I don't want to stop feeding her either. Our breastfeeding relationship isn't ready to come to an end. Is it me or is it her? Am I a weird? Or is it me knowing that she is probably going to be the last baby therefore the last one that I myself will nourish and nurture. You should all know by now that I am possibly a over-reflective type of person I always have to dig deeper to see why I think or do what I do. Do I need to be needed?

Facing the weaning process is really emotional for me. It makes me cry. It actually hurts.  Perhaps I am feeling like I am now a little redundant as a mother. Once I wean her, someone else could do what I do for my kids. It doesn't have to be me. It could be someone else. I don't like that thought. OK I know that of course my kids will need me, but more that they will want me. Now that is a good thought. That they will want me. I know that this is a season that I have to walk through. I know that I will come out the other-side and get to chalk this up to experience.