Day 10

 Day 10.

Oh, be still my heart. I could spend eternity looking at her sweet face, her deep dark eyes, her cupids bow lips. Spend eternity stroking her soft wispy hair, squishy round cheeks, her virgin feet that have never known ground. Oh, I am in love...deeply in love. Oh, how I look at her and wish I could freeze time, that her in all her smallness would remain forever.... for everyday she changes, she gets older, stronger, she gets more. Is it a gift that I know how fast time goes...how fleeting these moments are? I just need to look into the eyes of my others to be reminded just how fast it goes. I want to savor...to deeply feel all of everything so they are etched into my heart forever. For she like the others are a gift from our God above. I don't want to miss a thing.

As you can probably tell it's been a quiet reflective kind of day.... where I swing between enjoying the moment to being deep in thought. I feel feelings deeply.....and I need to process. How is it possible to feel sad, longing, thankfulness, wonder, love, mad, tired, blessed and whole all at the same time?

Our wee Charlie woke with a cold this morning....just over one week and she already has a cold...but totally not surprising when the entire household has one too. Thank you, God, I can nourish her snuffly squishy-ness.

I baked muffins today. And sorted and folded clothes. Normal mama stuff. It felt good. But I also found myself wishing to go back to just resting. I am tired physically now. My back aches. My wound aches. My heart aches.

On an up note....today is day 10. I can remove my wound dressing...if I could see it properly. It will be a job for my husband I think. But not only that....I can take a bath! Oh, how I have missed that....in fact it's already been run for me and sits steaming and waiting. Oh how wonderful.

Perfect Little Hand

Day 9

Day 9.

It's a pretty quiet household around here with two girls at the annual #dotk camp, a boy at a friend's house and two of the little ones a little under the weather. Makes for a very very quiet house....too quiet but then again I have been craving quiet. I miss them.

Now seeing I am being all honest and everything.....I have two words for you...disposable undies. Now I am not going to get as honest as some might and post a pic of myself in them...no ill spare you of that. But as any c-section mama will tell you to have anything rubbing even remotely close to your wound is close to torture. Cue disposable undies. They are big (think granny undies - sorry granny's) , stretchy and super comfy. Not only that but they save your own nice knickers from being ruined in those first few days. I totally recommend them....actually I wish I used before.

Again your welcome

Also cute Moses basket still hasn't been used for what it was designed for but as a storage unit. Keeping all things I might need in the dark hours of the night nice and close.

You can see Charlie isn't short of love even when she's sleeping. I popped in to check on her and someone (namely a little one) made sure she had some friends to keep her company. All the cuteness right there!

So Cute!

He's So Proud

I got dressed today...I mean wore proper clothes. By proper clothes I mean stretchy pants and a baggy top...not jeans or anything crazy like that but nothing that could be mistaken for PJs and that I could venture outside in. Things could be on the up. Actual come to think of it I even went outside today...oh my goodness. ..what a big day! But as you can see, we aren't too long out of our safe haven which is our bedroom. We still spend the majority of our time here. Charlie is doing ALOT of sleeping....it's actually a real treat when she has an awake time that's not feeding time. She is certainly well loved around here. Jesse spent some time on Charlie duty while I sorted clothes for her and waited for our midwife to come. As you can see, he had no complaints about this.

Charlie is totally out of NB size clothes and into the next size up.... fortunately I know somewhere where we can access clothes from. My lovely friend packed up our own #loving_arms_nz bundle for us. Frankie had such a great time unpacking it all. Shrieks of cuteness all round.

I think I am at the weird in-between time where I am feeling more and more myself and want to do a bit more but quickly realize I am not actually "there" yet because I get tired and short-fused after a short time. Perhaps it's a good thing that our bedroom is our safe haven.....and maybe just maybe the rest of the house is a safe haven for the rest of the family. Now there's a thought!

Jesse & Charlie

Day 6

Day 6.

Can we take a moment just to talk about hormones for a moment? Aren't they intense? I don't think we give them the respect that they deserve because by crikey they are some super powerful super power pumping through our bodies. They can make you cry at a mere moment's notice more than likely when you least expect it. Turn you into a raging fiery ball of craziness in a split second. They can make you feel like super woman with bionic strength and vitality and urge you to take on tasks that aren't yours to take on....only to go down in a messy heap of stress and overwhelming burden.

Unfortunately for me....the expected rush of crazy post-partum hormones coincided with Jamie being sick and then Frankie coming down with a head cold. Can you imagine????!!!! Honestly my first thought was.....seriously why the heck can't I be needing rest and recuperation space by myself. Why do I have to share? Cue...tears over cups of teas tasting wrong, tears over kids fighting, tears over soreness, anger over soreness, anger and tears over present post-birth body shape and ability. Generally speaking, I was one hot mess. Seriously that night bed never looked so good.

But in all seriousness....it's in this time we need to give space and voice to these moments. You aren't going crazy...it's just a crazy ride you are on. You are completely normal, perfectly created and preciously chosen for this baby, for this time. I promise you...you will come back. My best advice....just ride these waves. Show this post to your husband/partner so he knows that you aren't losing your marbles if you get hysterical over no one replacing the toilet roll.

Trust Yourself

 Day 5.

In the corner of our room sit this very very cute Moses basket on a very cute wooden stand. It's nicely made with freshly washed sheets, comfy mattress and warm woolen blankets at the ready. It's cute to say the lease. But I think it's for looks....actually my sister in law asked me when I was pregnant if I was actually going to use it. I said probably not. And yes here we are.

Frankie thinks it's the coolest thing ever and constantly wants me to put Charlie in it. Perhaps so she can rock her to sleep (or have easy access to her or climb in with her). So today after a nice long feed I put her in it asleep, tucked her in and we walked away....only to come back five mins later to angry cries of someone clearly put out. I picked Charlie up, gave her cuddles, she went back to sleep and I popped her on my bed with a warm blanket.....and there she's been for coming up three hours. Sound asleep. Not even a peep out her during a visit from an aunty AND a nappy change.

My point here isn't to skite about how well she is sleeping but to tell you...you don't have to do anything. They will tell you, you need to put baby down, that they need their own bed/bedroom. They will also tell you that you need to carry your baby everywhere, that they need to be in arms 24/7 even though your back is killing you and your pelvic floors are about to crash and burn.

But seriously mamas....you do you. There is no have to's just want to's or feel to's. You do you. Trust yourself.

Charlie Grace Budd

 Day 4.

My bed and I have become best friends lately...we do everything from sleeping, eating and visiting with our beautiful midwife in it. I haven't ventured too far from this haven ever since I got home. We are really making this post-birth time a top priority this time...knowing full well that if we don't it will come back to bite me on the bum. My dear midwife did give me a bit of a "talking" to today about healing well and taking it easy...that it's just not about "just having a baby" or "just having major surgery"....it's about having both... at the same time! Oh ok...point made.

Healing doesn't just mean sleep but good nourishing food, water, sunshine, peace (always a work in progress ) and time with our God. Let's not forget time to be thankful for good friends and family who come bearing good home cook food and beautiful gifts and take some time marveling at one of the biggest miracles of God...His newest creation. I am totally in love with the back of her head and neck...I mean......all that dark brown hair, all the softness, ALL THE CUTENESS!

Kia Kaha

 I figured that seeing I hadn't posted on here for a while that I better do so.

So here we are hopefully only days away from meeting baby#8, our bonus baby. To be honest the last few weeks have been a little rough for me both physically and emotionally. Quite possibly emotionally because I am physically struggling??? Or is a part of full-term pregnancy hormones??

This is the first time I have ever been in so much with back and leg pain and an unstable pelvis....so I do actually feel pretty blessed that I have had seven babies without this issue BUT it still sucks. Sitting hurts, driving hurts, walking hurts and getting dressed hurts.

I am looking forward to being able to move normally and freely and being able to lift my legs without having to assist them by my hands.

After a weird kind of day yesterday (yes, it was my birthday...so that part was good) here we are again....I feel like I am struggling between two worlds. Tears are VERY close to the surface. The need for my family to be around is strong...but also the feeling of "leave me alone" and let me have some "peace and space". The thought of going out and being seen in public fills me with dread and makes me want to cry...in fact I do cry.

But really.....its all part of it. Hormones are very real...the little blyters! They make you do, feel and say strange things. Ask me to my face how I am and I'll tell you I am fine.... because that's what we do isn't it. We all do it. Why? We want help but we don't want help. We want people to care but we don't want to burden them. We want help but we don't want to feel indebted to them or to feel we have to make small talk. Gee women are weird. We want to be seen as strong but not too strong. We want to be real but not too real. We want to be able to do it alone, but we aren't suppose to...ever. We aren't designed that way...its not Gods way. Why do we struggle so much with that......its so damn humbling.

I suppose that's why finding your tribe is so necessary, your crew, your peeps.....your net. My net.

So my days are filled with my God, worship music, His Word...for He is Good.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore. - Ps 121