Time to Disconnect

Over the last few weeks maybe even months I have developed.... I don't even know what to call it. Hyper-social media-itis? (That totally could be a thing I reckon)

I noticed that I was beginning to feel less than, not good enough and suffocated by the pressure of not having, being, or doing. For a long-time social media particularly, Instagram was a great source of inspiration and encouragement for me.... finding gems of ideas in the accounts I followed and invigorated me into living my best life. But of late I began to feel like I was never just good enough...that our life choices and faith journey that we are on as a family was hindering the "best life". Everything that we didn't have .... I noticed. Everything we couldn't do.... I noticed. I was left believing lies that I was a terrible mother/wife/person. For me it was like a terribly public popularity contest and I was losing...much like high school all over again.

Oh, I know that what you see and read on social media is someone else's highlights...I know that.... but I wasn't feeling it.

And don't get me started on the amount of time spent...it's very addictive just scrolling or checking it every so-called spare moment. But really, I can spare moments doing other more productive things. I spend an awful lot of time at the computer for Loving Arms work without me adding to it with mindless scrolling and checking.

So, for an undetermined time I'm taking myself off social media....at least the scrolling and the checking part. I simply cannot run Loving Arms or Mother in Arms without it or being on it. So, I'll allow myself access to that and to post blog pieces because it's a creative outlet for me.

I have been gone for three days and have replaced it with reading, small jobs and just hanging out fully present with the people around me. I feel the difference. I have spent time talking with God and searching His word for truth about my identity and worth and letting Him have the final say in those areas. There is no popularity contest in Him...none at all. Cos I'm His favorite. Your His favourite too

I Love This

I think this might be it. The quote of all quotes...coined by @msrachelhollis from the book 'Girl, Wash Your Face' .

The quote that this chronic-people-pleaser-addict will refer back to time and time again. Game changing is you ask me.

I know I have a problem and it's a problem that at times strangles the life out of me, causes me stress and anxiety to no end, makes me doubt myself, my abilities and drives my husband nuts. Like all addictions its crippling at times.

Hi my name is Sharni and I'm a people-pleaser.

Oh, how I want to be free from this...to be live life from a place of a confidence and strength...to live as who God created me to be. Not to adapt myself so that everybody in sundry likes me and then if someone doesn't immediately spiral into a tailspin.

I say this like it will be the most simple thing in the world for me to do...just stop caring. But it most definitely won't be.

I am still traumatized and deeply hurting over the end of a close friendship that came to a screaming halt a few years ago now. Even the mere mention of the name and my chest is instantly tight and I want to cry.

The realization that I can't be all for everybody, that people are going to think what they like of me.... phew it's going to be hard to let it go.

I am deeply loved not only by my family and friends but by God who uniquely crafted me into me.... if I try to be someone different just to please who would be me???

Ps. I absolutely love love love @msrachelhollis .....I think we could be great friends.

Raw & Honest

Looks peaceful doesn't she....in all her glorious babyness. I love to her moon and back a thousand times.

But time for some honesty.... I have been pregnant for over 7 years and breast feeding for over 10 years of my life...some of that time has over lapped but either way it's a long time to share your body with someone. I love breast feeding...love the feeling of being able to nurture my child, nourish them with goodness, snuggle with them and be their source of comfort. Love love love it.

But lately I have struggled to feel those same feelings, struggling to find them even. Charlie has never been a peaceful quiet breast feeder. Right from the get-go she would twist, turn, cough, splutter, pull back, bite, pinch me and scratch.... then she pulls off when she's had enough, she pulls off without letting go if suction. Needless to say, it hurts.

I'm struggling with feeling bad about the thought of weaning her, like I'm not doing her the same justice I have with all my others. I fed all 7 well over 12months...some to nearly two. Yet as much as I love her here, I am not really enjoying this breastfeeding relationship with my youngest. And last night I actually got to the point where I physically couldn't stand being touched. The thought of being touched hurt. The mother guilt is REAL here.

I have all the thoughts. If I wean her, will she feel like I don't love her as much as the others, will she suffer some kind of childhood trauma because of it. Will her health be compromised. Will she still feel my love for her. Am I just being plain selfish? I tell you I have ALL the dramatic thoughts.

Today...I'm thinking I'll aim for 12 months and then I'll revisit the weaning decision. I have always told other mums it's a two-way relationship.... I need to tell that to myself too. I need to hear it.

Why oh why are we so damn hard in ourselves!!!???? So, there's where I'm at.... being raw and honest.

Can We Love Like That

Reflecting on the tragic and absolute horrific happenings to our small wee country...words fail me. I simply cannot form the sentences to describe my feelings or thoughts. Numb.

The solidarity that has formed and the love displayed across the country is phenomenal really...heart-warming. My prayer though that this will feeling, these catch phrases that are floating around will outlast more than a few weeks. That it will actually be cemented into us and become part of our DNA.

How easy it is to say we should love all and everyone... from a distance. It's safe.

We don't have to change or do anything different from what we do now. But for REAL love to happen.... the love of Christ....you're going to have to get down and dirty, you're going to have to connect with people that aren't like you, that might even scare you, that might not even like you. You are going to have to show grace when you want to shout angry words, sacrifice when you want comfort and security, serve when you want to rest or play and give when you want to keep. Can we love like that?

Can I love like that?

Loving people hurts. Its messy and uncomfortable and sometimes it freaks me out. Sometimes I look like an idiot and sometimes it gets thrown back in my face. But I want to still choose love, choose Christ for He is the ultimate love. I want to choose Him every time because after all He chose me.

Always look for the helping people.... because that's where hope is found.... right next door to love.

In the words of @bobgoff

"Love Does"

We Are All The Same

Today was shopping day and as I stood at the check-out waiting as the operator scanned through my trolley full of groceries and began watch a young heavily pregnant mum and her son approach the self-serve. She looked as though she had a tough journey with some stories to tell, unkempt hair and clothes that needed a good wash

I thought to myself I would love to be in the position to pay for her groceries and thought maybe I should.... that was until I saw what she was buying. cigarettes, a can of 'V' and a large bottle of cheap cola. Hmmm maybe not. I try not to judge telling myself maybe she was buying cigarettes for someone else. (one thing I have learnt it's easy for us to make judgements and generalizations about someone and not know their back story). I then watched as her card declined twice...and I felt sorry for her and was highly embarrassed on her behalf.... perhaps if she put those smokes back.... I saw her scurry around on her phone obviously switching money around into her account. Accepted and she went on her way.

Can you guess what happened... next my card declined!!!! WHAT!!!! Talk about embarrassing! Now I was the one scurrying around on my phone ringing my husband to transfer funds into my account. My next thought was of her and how we weren't that much different really. We just looked different on the outside. "There but by the grace of God go I" comes to mind.

I tell you this not for you to feel sorry for me.... we all have adulting bills like insurance come out at inopportune times.... but maybe that is what happened to her too. I have been thinking all day how we are all the same, all in need of the saving grace of God. We all need His love, His mercy, His peace...no matter who we are and what we look like. God loves us all.... uniquely and fiercely. So perhaps the next time you see someone in your travels that appears so different...stop and think how much the same you might be. I guarantee you'll think differently. You might see them as God does.

Quiet Time

There is loads that I am wrestling with at the moment and it's in this place...this purposeful quiet time...that I can put it all to the One that sustains me and ultimately will guide my steps. This is the time where I purposefully seek His face and sit in His presence, for comfort and strength.

I'm not going to pretend that this time just happens for me...because it doesn't. It's something I have to fight for every single day. Come on I have 8 kids...it was never going to be easy! More often than not I have at least one visitor that will climb in my lap or I need to stop and change a nappy, make someone a snack or find a plaster. But my time is ALWAYS with coffee...it's like my thing. Some have smoothies, some light candles, some have music...mine is coffee.

For years I use to try and emulate other people's ways of doing quiet time...it never worked. My latest attempt was creative journaling...FAIL. I'm not in the least bit creative and my attempts looked the Frankie had done it. BUT I have found what works for me...coffee, bible, devotional, journal and pen. First, I read my bible working my way through a book (its proverbs at the moment) and will write out in my journal one or two verses that jump out at me.... then I write out my thoughts and prayers using the scripture that I received in my reading.

I think the thing to realize is that everyone is in different seasons of their life...you might be an empty- nester or a new mama with a newborn...so the amount of time you can spend will vary...but I think it's safe to say everyone has five mins. For me personally the most I can manage is 20mins and that's on a good day. I need to say there are just some days I just don't get to the place where I can sit quietly so a podcast might have to do or even meditating on just one verse throughout the day...just one thing to feed my spirit!

Whether you are a follower of Christ or not I believe that all can benefit from a small space in our day to quiet, reflect and journal your thoughts.

Do you agree? Do you do quiet time? What does it look like for you?

Why Do I Do This!

Red face, mascara running down my face and sweat dripping off my nose....they say they are signs of a good workout...it must be because I feel like I may throw up. Why do I do this to myself?? I ask this every single time about a third of the way through.

Our bodies are designed to move and move often; they are designed for hard work and purposeful living. But in saying all that you need your head in the game if you are going to stick with it and push through the pain, the uncomfortable, the "I can't be bothered", the "I have too much to do" and the "I'll get it done later"...cos chances are you won't. Something will always come up.

For me now that my head is in the game and I have caught up with myself I find I just need to get it done...I don't think about it and how much it hurts or how much I'll sweat...I just do it...because if I think about it I'll start to make excuses and talk my way out of it. I'm good like that. Traditionally exercise and I don't go hand in hand. Just ask my mother...I'm the one that got a sore stomach three weeks out from the school cross country. Every single year!

In order for me to be the best version of myself, for me to be able to do what is put before me, to mother well, to be the best wife I can be and to live fully I need to do three things....one on one time with God, exercise and invest in myself in positive ways. If just one is missing, then I'll start to topple over and then everyone will miss out on the best of me. For too long I lived in a fog of chaos and unhealthy thinking, I wasn't really any good to anybody most of all to God. He has work for me to do and I need to be striving for the best version of myself.... with His help of course and all the grace.