Don't Mind Me

Today it all seems too much. I'm overwhelmed, tight-chested and anxious. Sick, grizzly and extremely clingy baby is NOT conducive to getting the house ready for 1pm when the agent wants to show people through. Seriously I'm battling with not being bitter and unreasonable about it. It also means I'm going to have to leave for 45 mins so it's not uncomfortable. It's cold and raining and I'm tired. There are a myriad of other things that I need to be doing instead of detail cleaning the house. My @loving_arms_nz list of to-dos is a mile long, not to mention the @mothersinarmsnz event we are hosting this Friday.

Today is a battle of the flesh, this very tired flesh and I'm not sure who will win today.... I used to not like posting these kinds of thoughts in fear of people thinking or saying I can't cope or that I needed to quit, give up or that perhaps I shouldn't be doing what I do or worse that I shouldn't have had so many children! But you know what we all have off days, days where it's all too much. From the stay-at-home mum with 2 children to the CEO of a multimillion-dollar company.

I also know that I'll survive today like I have all the other bad days I've had and everything that needs to happen will happen regardless of how I feel. So don't mind me.... I'll be over here vacuuming with my baby on my back.

Daniel Fast

At present I'm day 10 into a 21-day Daniel Fast....not that I'm counting down the days. (I'm so counting the days lol) For those that don't know what a Daniel Fast is....it's where you only eat fruit, veges, nuts, seeds, brown rice and water. That means no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no coffee, no sugar, and no alcohol! Pretty much no processed food. The original Daniel Fast is found in the Book of Daniel, first in chapter 1 and again in chapter 10. Daniel was a great man of God, prayer and thanksgiving. The entire point of doing any kind of fast is to deny yourself of something...food, coffee, technology whatever to draw closer to God, to seek His face, and to lean into Him and His strength when the going gets tough as you battle your will over the very thing you have denied yourself. Honestly, it's been so much harder than I thought it would be. I have wanted to give up many times, so much so its physically hurt. But I haven't...and that is only by the grace of God...it certainly hasn't been in my own strength.

What I've learnt is that a huge percentage of our lives has food attached to it...meeting a friend for coffee, a pre-dinner wine, after dinner chocolate, hanging out with friends, working bee lunch, early morning cuppa, mid-afternoon snack...don't even get me started on date night! The habits that I've formed and are now painfully breaking are so strong...I don't feel right without my 10am coffee.

What I've notice spiritually and mentally....my mind is way more clearer. I feel like there is way less junk crowding out useful and productive thoughts. I most definitely feel more connected to God through prayer and reading His Word. And seeing I'm praying into some areas of our life that has been the best thing ever!

After the awful headache wore off 4 days in, physically I feel more spritely and less weighty after a meal.

I'm just under halfway and while I'm looking forward to not being restrained in what I can eat and the coffee...not gonna lie. I'm also excited to see what God will show me and do in the next 11 days. I'm anticipating something fantastic. Sooo exciting. Watch this space.....

Letting People In

I was treated to an early morning courier drop today...and on my doorstep I found a package containing a packet of turmeric and cacao latte from @friendlyfantail ...a well-timed gift from a friend.

One thing I've learnt over the years of living by faith ...is how to live authentically in community with people. If I'm totally honest, I'm still learning this. My natural instinct is to isolate and hide. To deflect questions with more questions or a change of topic. I don't want to be seen, I don't need anybody, no one needs to bother with me...in fact I'm better alone. What God has been teaching me over the last several years is in fact we are better together, to let people in, to live vulnerable and real, raw and gritty. It's taken me years for walls to come down and let people fully in. To not live in fear that if they truly knew me, they would turn and run away fast. All lies and tactics used by the devil himself to stop me from living fully and accomplishing my God given calling.

And boy does the devil know where to hit you in order to take you out. We are struggling at the moment with huge giants as a couple and as a family....one private and personal....one not so much... (I mean come on there is a giant for sale sign out the front). One we are full on waging war against in the spiritual realm, the other we are trying doors where we see fit and praying but both are ultimately relinquished into our Saviours hands.

Jesus tells us, "In the world you will have tribulation" John 16:33 Has it been fun no way.... I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone. But I serve a big God that uses EVERYTHING for good.... if you let Him. My learning in letting people in has meant people get to see the messy and the ugly, the hurt and the broken, the pain and disappointment.... now that's vulnerability for you.

Have they run away...NO... instead they have pulled in closer and tighter...wrapping me up in a whole lotta grace and love. In the words of Brene Brown "if you are going to fully live in the arena of life...you are going to get your #$^% kicked" ...totally true! Just saying

Not Yet!

Ok so my Camillia flower is seen a better day, but I still keep as it was an encouragement gift from wee Frankie. In the midst of some tough days of sickness (flu) and family challenges. She gave it to me and said she thinks "I'm amazing". Bless her little cotton socks. I know I've been a little quiet over here.... truth is we've had some challenges and some of the kids have come down with the worst flu ever and some with bad head colds and coughs. I'm already over the winter bugs.

My last post I told you all that our house had been put on the market....and that I had a peace about it...mostly! I still have that but everyday I'm reminded by concerned people and of course the media about how bad the rental market is out there. Yes, I know it is.... oh how I know. It's hard for people that don't share the same faith level or understanding as you, to understand where you are coming from.... all they want to know is what are you going to do. Something I can't answer yet. No, I haven't started packing. No, I haven't started looking for other rentals either. We have made inquiries with a mortgage broker....to see what our options are. But mostly we are praying and believing in a big God. I know for a fact that whatever happens "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

God's Going To Move

We have faced some pretty big giants in our lives...now it seems we are facing three at once. Granted some are bigger than others and some are certainly uglier than others but nonetheless they are giants all the same. This is our latest one......the 'for sale' sign at the front of our house. Those that have been following our beautifulcrazyfaith journey for a while now will know that we have faced this before a few years back. Yes, I know that as renters this is the risk you sign up for every time you sign that tenancy agreement...you are living there at the mercy of your landlords. I get that.... I do and if I could change it I would.

But I have a Holy peace folks. I can't explain it but it's good. God has got this...and whatever it may look like in the end...He is good and nothing is ever wasted. Don't get me wrong I get rattled while in the peace...like yesterday when the sign went up it rattled me and I could feel the anxiety hanging around me like a cloak.... weighing me down and making me snappy with the kids. I pray and pray and sing worship songs and recite scripture and remind God of things. I thank Him for His complete faithfulness in the past and that He is working behind the scenes for His glory. Then just like that peace prevails again as quickly as it left. His Word is alive people!

I don't know what the future holds for us....it remains a mystery. Would we love to buy and have our own home.... absolutely we would! Years ago, we listened to very bad advice from someone we respected but that's life isn't it! So that little thing called a deposit eludes us. Jamie and I have lived through some very tough financial times where we have had 35c in our bank account and very little food, yet we have never missed a rent payment in all our 19 or so years.

So, my lovely readers watch this space.....Gods going to move!

One Years Old Today

Well folks.... our wee Charlie Grace is ONE! Just like that we blink and her first year is gone.

Shes truly a gift....the one we didn't know we needed but God knew what he was doing when he blessed us with her. Funny that!

We have spent the day enjoying her company, hugging and kissing her all the time and have sung her Happy Birthday 245 times already! What an experience it must be to be the youngest of 8 children. Having 7 older siblings to cheer you in in every little thing you do, picking you up, sharing stuff with you and making you giggle. She has the family sussed out already. I laugh as her oldest brothers is crazy with her...making loud noises and chasing her. Where most kids might cry or get a fright...she literally doesn't even flinch....she just turns and looks at them like the weirdos they can be.

As I think back to this day a year ago...to one of the hardest days of my life. I have purposely chosen not to think about how awful it was and the experience I missed out on....but to focus on the beautiful, exquisite gift that was born.

Charlie Grace Aged 1

Lover of mama cuddles, baths, snacks in a bowl, baby-shark, scrambled eggs, water, pussycats, being outside, bouncy balls and cuddly toys.

Hates getting out of the bath, having to come inside, sitting in the car for too long and not having someone to touch in the middle of the night.

Bites my legs to get me to pick her up. Doesn't smile at strangers no matter how hard they try. Shares her toys with other babies. Can walk but prefers to crawl still. Has five teeth. And loves a good round of applause....especially if it's for her!

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Yummo!!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day y'all. I am picking that probably 99% of my read apart from my boys are female.

I learnt a really awesome fact today from one of the speakers at church this morning.... what you see here is the Hebrew word for Mother 'AM'. Don't ask me to pronounce it. The first letter A - Aleph means strong or ox. The second letter M - Mem means water...so put together means strong water. Which conjures up all kinds of images. Firstly, the baby lives in the waters for the first 9 months as it is created and formed. It is birthed as the waters break forth from its mother "Life is in this water, and many necessary compounds such as proteins and carbohydrates are absorbed by the child during development. Without these, the child would not grow and would eventually die.

The mother provides life-giving water to the new child, and even after birth this process continues as the child is nursed with the mother's milk." Also, if we look at the pictographic script, it again means 'strong water". In ancient times "Hebrews made glue by boiling animal (ox) skins in water. As the skin broke down, a sticky thick liquid formed at the surface of the water. This thick liquid was removed and used as a binding agent-"strong water". This is the Hebrew word meaning "mother", the one who "binds" the family together." This right here spoke directly to my heart....us mothers are the ones that hold our families together, often seen as the peacemakers, the ones the think about and check up on members that are a little absent, often providing the bridge between the generations and extended family member, often ensuring everyone is cared for, seen, fed, watered, clothed, happy.

We feel when one is hurt or lost and we go after...trying to make sure everyone is ok, included, and healthy. We physically hurt when our children hurt. We love fiercely, deeply, strongly, unconditionally and long. We see past all the imperfections and just love. We love it when our family is all together.... it's ingrained in us. And we would do ANYTHING to stop the breaking and interference of our family. We are strong glue!