It Can Wait!

I slept in this morning...to 8:10am! I know don't shoot me but seriously sleep has been eluding me for a while now. It's either the baby keeping me awake or it's my overactive thought processes.... why!! So, when my husband got up at 6am with Charlie Grace despite of my best efforts to get her back to sleep...I cocooned myself back under the covers and simply refuse to leave. Sleep came and it was good. So good.

But now I'm thinking .... was it even worth it? I'm not sure if I really did myself any favors by taking such liberties for myself even though Lord knows I need it!

My brain runs faster than I can keep up...and now I am left running around like I headless chook that's dizzy on the fizzy. When I get like this, I start to fray at the edges and start to grump at my kids.... or husband if he's around...."someone please help me!" But when pushed I actually can't name what I need help with....so maybe it's me...I need to be better at time management (I have known that for a long time) but I also need to be better at communicating what I need help with and what my stressors are. For a long time I felt guilty that I couldn't do everything well...I can do somethings well...I'm great at somethings. Somethings I suck at and there are somethings I would most gladly tap out of. I don't know why I put pressure on myself like this....my husband certainly doesn't...although I guess he would like some kind of dinner at least 5 times a week.

Mama guilt and mama pressure...self-imposed or not...it's very real and today I'm feeling it big time.

So, I'm leaving the crumbs on the table and the kitchen floor a little sticky....and I'm citing first world problems in order to make me feel better. I'm sure someone will grab a mop at some stage.... won't they? I'm sitting here drinking the last drop of my one coffee for the day.... cos every drop is worthy to be drunk

Happy Birthday To Me

Today has been a good day. Today is my 42nd birthday! I simply do not feel 42 in any way shape or form...I feel like I'm 26. 26 must have been a good year for me...

I remember my mum turning 40 my dad had arranged a dinner for her and her longtime friend parked across the road in order to surprise her...they had the number plate PD14. It's weird what you remember. I thought my mum was old back then...yet here I am. I also remember my mother-in-law turning 40......we hung out at her house for the day. If I'm honest, I don't particularly like the number attached to my age.... I'm telling myself that they are now is irrelevant these days, Is it? Or am I just dreaming? Is there a way to dress, act and be when you are my age?. I feel like there use to be but now not so much.

So here I am 42...still raising babies, still breastfeeding, still doing Kindy and school runs, still haven't really decided what I'm going to be when I grow up, still looking for someone more adult than me and still cannot do my hair properly. I need to grow up....so when does that actually happen? And what even is grown up status...when you have chainsaw? I feel that's pretty adult. When you have a mortgage? When you have kids? Well, I was an adult way back at 23 then. So now I must be an extra adulty!

I feel like I haven't accomplished much as there is so much I still want to do. I have big dreams...HUGE actually. I'm ready for them...let's go I say!

In saying all that I most certainly received adult type presents today...a new chair for my 'space', 'string of pearls' (a pot plant in case you aren't in the know), candles, office items, and a recipe book from Alaska. The last item made me cry like a baby (again obviously not an adult)....for years Jamie and I have been watching all things Alaskan and dreaming of living there so this recipe book was a gift from him that spoke directly to my heart....cue tears....one day we might get to visit there. We often wonder does Alaska need missionaries or a fledgling pastor. If so pick us!!!!! We'll go!

But anyway, my point is I guess...is you are only old as you feel. My kids keep me young. My dreams keep me young.

Happy birthday to me xx

Just Like You

I walked into my room and caught her trying on a necklace of mine. I actually have very little jewelry because when I wear it I feel feel like people are looking at me. Is that weird? I asked her why she was doing something she knows she's not allowed to do as I took it from her hands...her reply "because I want to be just like you mama!" Today that made me cry. When the devil is whispering in your ear that you are a crappy parent, that you are less than, that you have failed, that you will never succeed, that you deserve every bad thing that has happened and will happen and it's all my fault......to hear that just gave me all the feels right in the feeling place and my first thought was "no you do not want to be like me". But as I opened my jewelry box I saw nestled in the back corner a little black box containing this medal. I reached in and took it out and gave it to her and said...here try this on.

She said "oh wow...a medal mama...how did you win it? Was it like for sports? I replied "No not for sport...most definitely not. I won this for being a nice person. For being kind and helping people, when no one was helping them. I won this for starting Loving Arms." It made me think. I did not start Loving Arms to get a medal or to get anything...purely to help others even just one person. I never dreamed that it would be where it is or the direction its heading.

So, in a culture that celebrates physical prowess, social media presence, financial success and academic excellence.... I think it's nice to have the "warm fuzzies celebrated". Also, my greatest hope for my sweet, dramatic, beautiful and clever 4-year-old and ALL my other children is that they are kind and caring, they work hard, they are respectful and love Jesus. Of course, I can't command that from them...they have to want to be and do those for themselves. But I can set the best example I can, that we can.... in hope that we will inspire and encourage them that that is the best way to live.... that those things are the only REAL things that matter. And that we will love them unconditionally always....

Just as Our Father loves us.

Curate

Curate. A word that I never thought I would use when describing something I want to do myself. I simply do not curate anything...its most definitely not my strong point and I wouldn't even know where to begin. Other people curate. Gifted, artistic people, people with flair curate. I do not curate.

But I have been yearning for my own space for a good wee while. A space that is mine. For me. Selfishly mine. Because in a house with 9 others nothing is ever just mine. Its mine along with everyone else's.... oh apart from wine...wine is mine.

It's been a l-o-n-g time coming but I got new furniture today for my-so-called office space, @loving_arms_nz HQ and my haven for writing.....and while it's in the living area...I'm calling it mine. Nestled under the window so I can look out at the world and drink in the possibilities....aka watch the traffic go by. But its mine mine mine.

Now what to do??? I want to have the things I love and items that inspire me and remind me of why I do what I do. In short, I want to curate this space. But where does one start?? I could ask someone but then maybe it wouldn't be mine? For a long time I couldn't tell you what I liked or didn't like relying on my best friend or sister to tell me what's what and what's not. But I think I'm getting better at this as seasons change in my life and I learn about who I am more and more.... learn about who I'm created to be.

I think this space won't happen overnight, but it will be a space for me formed and created over time.... that is if I can stop the kids from adding to it. But its mine.

Keep Your Distance!

Before she left for her 6 week holiday my friend who I meet up with every month for coffee and good conversation, gave me a voucher for a coffee... you know cos we would miss April's coffee date. I used it today.... I felt I deserved a treat. I felt myself start to spiral downwards into a bad mood and self-pity.

So here I am watching two of my kids play and the baby chilling in the pushchair behind me. Yes, I know I could be pushing them on swings or running around the park with them, but I seriously just want to sit. Not exactly the purposeful parenting I'm a passionate about.

To get to the bottom of my bad mood I always ask myself what exactly is my problem in hope I can address it. So here are my issues... 1) I'm tired (what mother isn't)

2) I feel taken for granted (what mother doesn't)

3) I need some space (what mother doesn't)

4) My kids are too noisy (what kids aren't)

5) I have things to do bit can't find the time or space to do them. (Don't we all)

6) My house is a mess (I have 8 kids and it's the school holidays what did I expect)

7) Too many people want something from me (um...quite possibly self-inflicted...need better boundaries)

I have to cook dinner (nothing unusual there)

So, there you have it...my entire list of grumps. The thing is that this is my life every day...this list is not unusual but today it's made me grumpy and feed up. I know they are all minor issues.... issues that some would give their left arm for...I do know that. I often get told that I must have the "patience of a saint" or "you must be super mum" (both things I hate hearing) ....so here I am proving that I don't have unlimited patience nor am I super mum...I'm just a normal mum winging it with the rest of them. I know tomorrow I will feel better Lord willing.... but for now, today, nobody should talk to me

Worlds Apart

 Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would hear the stories I have...let alone seen the stories. Each story is someone's life.

Today I had a bundle to deliver to a mum of a 6-month-old in a neighboring town. The bundle nestled in the back seat beside my own sweet 10-month-old baby girl. I see her in the reviewer mirror with her fingers in her month. She smiles at me. We make a turn, and another...I slow the car to look for street signs. I notice the houses and getting shabbier and the lawns are getting longer. I am glad for the company of my mum today because if I was alone, I'd be a little apprehensive. I turn down the street and slow when I reach the number that matches my paper.

I walk up the driveway to a back house carrying the box of winter clothes and hand knitted woolens. I am not blind to the beer bottles, empty glasses, cigarette butts, the torn rubbish bags. I step on to the deck and pick my way over broken toys, a deflated blow-up pool and rotted deck slats. I knock on the door...no one answers...they often don't even if they are home. Embarrassed, can't be bothered, hiding? Who knows but all are very real possibilities. The curtains closed yet I see mold and rips... thick condensation drips down the windows on the inside leaving trails behind. No one is coming so I leave the bundle of lovingly folded and packed clothes at the door and leave.

Sad I didn't get to meet the mum but thankful I didn't have to stay.

I get back into the car and see my youngest daughter smiling and I am thankful. Mum and I drive two blocks and cross a main road and park outside a cafe for brunch. Here so close to where we just were but worlds apart. As I sit and wait for my coffee and bacon it doesn't go unnoticed that here people are driving range rovers and beamers. That nicely made-up folk walk their wee fluffy dogs with coffee in hand. That the boutique shoe shop sells sandals for upwards of $200. I see the strollers that cost a small fortune and the wee babies that are outfitted entirely in merino.

This is not the first time the world simply doesn't make sense.... unfair almost. Two worlds only 2.1km apart from each other. The babies we help don't have a choice and sometimes.... neither does mum. To be continued

Time to Disconnect

Over the last few weeks maybe even months I have developed.... I don't even know what to call it. Hyper-social media-itis? (That totally could be a thing I reckon)

I noticed that I was beginning to feel less than, not good enough and suffocated by the pressure of not having, being, or doing. For a long-time social media particularly, Instagram was a great source of inspiration and encouragement for me.... finding gems of ideas in the accounts I followed and invigorated me into living my best life. But of late I began to feel like I was never just good enough...that our life choices and faith journey that we are on as a family was hindering the "best life". Everything that we didn't have .... I noticed. Everything we couldn't do.... I noticed. I was left believing lies that I was a terrible mother/wife/person. For me it was like a terribly public popularity contest and I was losing...much like high school all over again.

Oh, I know that what you see and read on social media is someone else's highlights...I know that.... but I wasn't feeling it.

And don't get me started on the amount of time spent...it's very addictive just scrolling or checking it every so-called spare moment. But really, I can spare moments doing other more productive things. I spend an awful lot of time at the computer for Loving Arms work without me adding to it with mindless scrolling and checking.

So, for an undetermined time I'm taking myself off social media....at least the scrolling and the checking part. I simply cannot run Loving Arms or Mother in Arms without it or being on it. So, I'll allow myself access to that and to post blog pieces because it's a creative outlet for me.

I have been gone for three days and have replaced it with reading, small jobs and just hanging out fully present with the people around me. I feel the difference. I have spent time talking with God and searching His word for truth about my identity and worth and letting Him have the final say in those areas. There is no popularity contest in Him...none at all. Cos I'm His favorite. Your His favourite too