Curate

Curate. A word that I never thought I would use when describing something I want to do myself. I simply do not curate anything...its most definitely not my strong point and I wouldn't even know where to begin. Other people curate. Gifted, artistic people, people with flair curate. I do not curate.

But I have been yearning for my own space for a good wee while. A space that is mine. For me. Selfishly mine. Because in a house with 9 others nothing is ever just mine. Its mine along with everyone else's.... oh apart from wine...wine is mine.

It's been a l-o-n-g time coming but I got new furniture today for my-so-called office space, @loving_arms_nz HQ and my haven for writing.....and while it's in the living area...I'm calling it mine. Nestled under the window so I can look out at the world and drink in the possibilities....aka watch the traffic go by. But its mine mine mine.

Now what to do??? I want to have the things I love and items that inspire me and remind me of why I do what I do. In short, I want to curate this space. But where does one start?? I could ask someone but then maybe it wouldn't be mine? For a long time I couldn't tell you what I liked or didn't like relying on my best friend or sister to tell me what's what and what's not. But I think I'm getting better at this as seasons change in my life and I learn about who I am more and more.... learn about who I'm created to be.

I think this space won't happen overnight, but it will be a space for me formed and created over time.... that is if I can stop the kids from adding to it. But its mine.

Keep Your Distance!

Before she left for her 6 week holiday my friend who I meet up with every month for coffee and good conversation, gave me a voucher for a coffee... you know cos we would miss April's coffee date. I used it today.... I felt I deserved a treat. I felt myself start to spiral downwards into a bad mood and self-pity.

So here I am watching two of my kids play and the baby chilling in the pushchair behind me. Yes, I know I could be pushing them on swings or running around the park with them, but I seriously just want to sit. Not exactly the purposeful parenting I'm a passionate about.

To get to the bottom of my bad mood I always ask myself what exactly is my problem in hope I can address it. So here are my issues... 1) I'm tired (what mother isn't)

2) I feel taken for granted (what mother doesn't)

3) I need some space (what mother doesn't)

4) My kids are too noisy (what kids aren't)

5) I have things to do bit can't find the time or space to do them. (Don't we all)

6) My house is a mess (I have 8 kids and it's the school holidays what did I expect)

7) Too many people want something from me (um...quite possibly self-inflicted...need better boundaries)

I have to cook dinner (nothing unusual there)

So, there you have it...my entire list of grumps. The thing is that this is my life every day...this list is not unusual but today it's made me grumpy and feed up. I know they are all minor issues.... issues that some would give their left arm for...I do know that. I often get told that I must have the "patience of a saint" or "you must be super mum" (both things I hate hearing) ....so here I am proving that I don't have unlimited patience nor am I super mum...I'm just a normal mum winging it with the rest of them. I know tomorrow I will feel better Lord willing.... but for now, today, nobody should talk to me

Worlds Apart

 Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would hear the stories I have...let alone seen the stories. Each story is someone's life.

Today I had a bundle to deliver to a mum of a 6-month-old in a neighboring town. The bundle nestled in the back seat beside my own sweet 10-month-old baby girl. I see her in the reviewer mirror with her fingers in her month. She smiles at me. We make a turn, and another...I slow the car to look for street signs. I notice the houses and getting shabbier and the lawns are getting longer. I am glad for the company of my mum today because if I was alone, I'd be a little apprehensive. I turn down the street and slow when I reach the number that matches my paper.

I walk up the driveway to a back house carrying the box of winter clothes and hand knitted woolens. I am not blind to the beer bottles, empty glasses, cigarette butts, the torn rubbish bags. I step on to the deck and pick my way over broken toys, a deflated blow-up pool and rotted deck slats. I knock on the door...no one answers...they often don't even if they are home. Embarrassed, can't be bothered, hiding? Who knows but all are very real possibilities. The curtains closed yet I see mold and rips... thick condensation drips down the windows on the inside leaving trails behind. No one is coming so I leave the bundle of lovingly folded and packed clothes at the door and leave.

Sad I didn't get to meet the mum but thankful I didn't have to stay.

I get back into the car and see my youngest daughter smiling and I am thankful. Mum and I drive two blocks and cross a main road and park outside a cafe for brunch. Here so close to where we just were but worlds apart. As I sit and wait for my coffee and bacon it doesn't go unnoticed that here people are driving range rovers and beamers. That nicely made-up folk walk their wee fluffy dogs with coffee in hand. That the boutique shoe shop sells sandals for upwards of $200. I see the strollers that cost a small fortune and the wee babies that are outfitted entirely in merino.

This is not the first time the world simply doesn't make sense.... unfair almost. Two worlds only 2.1km apart from each other. The babies we help don't have a choice and sometimes.... neither does mum. To be continued

Time to Disconnect

Over the last few weeks maybe even months I have developed.... I don't even know what to call it. Hyper-social media-itis? (That totally could be a thing I reckon)

I noticed that I was beginning to feel less than, not good enough and suffocated by the pressure of not having, being, or doing. For a long-time social media particularly, Instagram was a great source of inspiration and encouragement for me.... finding gems of ideas in the accounts I followed and invigorated me into living my best life. But of late I began to feel like I was never just good enough...that our life choices and faith journey that we are on as a family was hindering the "best life". Everything that we didn't have .... I noticed. Everything we couldn't do.... I noticed. I was left believing lies that I was a terrible mother/wife/person. For me it was like a terribly public popularity contest and I was losing...much like high school all over again.

Oh, I know that what you see and read on social media is someone else's highlights...I know that.... but I wasn't feeling it.

And don't get me started on the amount of time spent...it's very addictive just scrolling or checking it every so-called spare moment. But really, I can spare moments doing other more productive things. I spend an awful lot of time at the computer for Loving Arms work without me adding to it with mindless scrolling and checking.

So, for an undetermined time I'm taking myself off social media....at least the scrolling and the checking part. I simply cannot run Loving Arms or Mother in Arms without it or being on it. So, I'll allow myself access to that and to post blog pieces because it's a creative outlet for me.

I have been gone for three days and have replaced it with reading, small jobs and just hanging out fully present with the people around me. I feel the difference. I have spent time talking with God and searching His word for truth about my identity and worth and letting Him have the final say in those areas. There is no popularity contest in Him...none at all. Cos I'm His favorite. Your His favourite too

I Love This

I think this might be it. The quote of all quotes...coined by @msrachelhollis from the book 'Girl, Wash Your Face' .

The quote that this chronic-people-pleaser-addict will refer back to time and time again. Game changing is you ask me.

I know I have a problem and it's a problem that at times strangles the life out of me, causes me stress and anxiety to no end, makes me doubt myself, my abilities and drives my husband nuts. Like all addictions its crippling at times.

Hi my name is Sharni and I'm a people-pleaser.

Oh, how I want to be free from this...to be live life from a place of a confidence and strength...to live as who God created me to be. Not to adapt myself so that everybody in sundry likes me and then if someone doesn't immediately spiral into a tailspin.

I say this like it will be the most simple thing in the world for me to do...just stop caring. But it most definitely won't be.

I am still traumatized and deeply hurting over the end of a close friendship that came to a screaming halt a few years ago now. Even the mere mention of the name and my chest is instantly tight and I want to cry.

The realization that I can't be all for everybody, that people are going to think what they like of me.... phew it's going to be hard to let it go.

I am deeply loved not only by my family and friends but by God who uniquely crafted me into me.... if I try to be someone different just to please who would be me???

Ps. I absolutely love love love @msrachelhollis .....I think we could be great friends.

Raw & Honest

Looks peaceful doesn't she....in all her glorious babyness. I love to her moon and back a thousand times.

But time for some honesty.... I have been pregnant for over 7 years and breast feeding for over 10 years of my life...some of that time has over lapped but either way it's a long time to share your body with someone. I love breast feeding...love the feeling of being able to nurture my child, nourish them with goodness, snuggle with them and be their source of comfort. Love love love it.

But lately I have struggled to feel those same feelings, struggling to find them even. Charlie has never been a peaceful quiet breast feeder. Right from the get-go she would twist, turn, cough, splutter, pull back, bite, pinch me and scratch.... then she pulls off when she's had enough, she pulls off without letting go if suction. Needless to say, it hurts.

I'm struggling with feeling bad about the thought of weaning her, like I'm not doing her the same justice I have with all my others. I fed all 7 well over 12months...some to nearly two. Yet as much as I love her here, I am not really enjoying this breastfeeding relationship with my youngest. And last night I actually got to the point where I physically couldn't stand being touched. The thought of being touched hurt. The mother guilt is REAL here.

I have all the thoughts. If I wean her, will she feel like I don't love her as much as the others, will she suffer some kind of childhood trauma because of it. Will her health be compromised. Will she still feel my love for her. Am I just being plain selfish? I tell you I have ALL the dramatic thoughts.

Today...I'm thinking I'll aim for 12 months and then I'll revisit the weaning decision. I have always told other mums it's a two-way relationship.... I need to tell that to myself too. I need to hear it.

Why oh why are we so damn hard in ourselves!!!???? So, there's where I'm at.... being raw and honest.

Can We Love Like That

Reflecting on the tragic and absolute horrific happenings to our small wee country...words fail me. I simply cannot form the sentences to describe my feelings or thoughts. Numb.

The solidarity that has formed and the love displayed across the country is phenomenal really...heart-warming. My prayer though that this will feeling, these catch phrases that are floating around will outlast more than a few weeks. That it will actually be cemented into us and become part of our DNA.

How easy it is to say we should love all and everyone... from a distance. It's safe.

We don't have to change or do anything different from what we do now. But for REAL love to happen.... the love of Christ....you're going to have to get down and dirty, you're going to have to connect with people that aren't like you, that might even scare you, that might not even like you. You are going to have to show grace when you want to shout angry words, sacrifice when you want comfort and security, serve when you want to rest or play and give when you want to keep. Can we love like that?

Can I love like that?

Loving people hurts. Its messy and uncomfortable and sometimes it freaks me out. Sometimes I look like an idiot and sometimes it gets thrown back in my face. But I want to still choose love, choose Christ for He is the ultimate love. I want to choose Him every time because after all He chose me.

Always look for the helping people.... because that's where hope is found.... right next door to love.

In the words of @bobgoff

"Love Does"